Shhh!!

Heart - from the pessimist hypochondriac

2010-10-09T14:38:00.000-07:00

I read way too much.
I am overly sensitive to my body.
I have a tendency to blow things out of proportion and then have to restrain my thoughts, my feelings & my words back into what is true and real.
I love WebMD.
I love diagnosing little aches & pains and learning I probably have nothing. When should I worry and when is it nothing? What is the line to cross before heading to urgent care?

This has come in handy before: knowing the difference between a chest cold & bronchitis, ear infection & teething, a bad scrape on my achilles tendon or did I rupture it?

But when it came to my heart issues I read too much. I asked for too much advice & listened to too many stories. Heart palpitations are a symptom of virtually everything. Anxiety, thyroid issues and just plain old living. Specifically, the rhythm I was reading about, super tachycardia, stems from cocaine, noctine, caffeine & aspartane or a physical abnormality like a third electrode on the heart.

I was so worked up I actually believed that the only good news I would receive is that I have something physically wrong with my heart and would need surgery. I was prepared to hear that I have heart disease or some sort of strange problem that would keep me on medication and I may die young.

The cardiologist did a quick little exam, checked all my meds & history, a little EKG and then said I was normal. WHAT?? People with my particular rhythm usually find them a minor annoyance and there is nothing wrong with them. Since my "annoying" rhythms were likely due to stress and then made worse by anti-anxiety medication, we should continue on the heart meds for 3 months, then wean off of them. Most likely, the heart will be retrained by then and it will go back to being just an "annoying" problem as long as I handle stressful situations and anxiety in a better manner.

Sheesh. I'm normal. I was so not prepared for that.

It took me several days to hear that as good news. My intuitions have been right so many times, and this time I was wrong. Expensively wrong. But still good to get monitored & have a professional tell me I was wrong. Wrong being an okay thing. Because being wrong about this means I'm perfectly fine. I can enjoy vigorous workouts, have no fear of my heart trying to beat out of my chest or randomly stopping, no fears of early heart attacks! Wrong is a good thing! Being wrong is okay. Being wrong is the right thing to be....

heart issues

2010-09-28T18:38:00.000-07:00

I'm just curious if anyone else already knows what is going on with me and maybe can warn me about what's ahead...

I've been having "heart palpitations" for years, I can't even remember how long except that it was during a pregnancy. I called my midwife to ask her why it would happen - it was never painful, never made me stop what I was doing and would come at random times regardless of activity or inactivity. She said it was just my heart making more blood volume for the pregnancy. Oh, okay.

Fast forward to last year.

Sometimes around last fall/winter I began to notice that these palpitations (it's a very fast pulse rate, like 160/minute and would last a few minutes) were really strong and I started to pay more attention to them. They continued to pop up out of nowhere, I could feel my heart trying to beat out of my chest, I check my pulse, sometimes I stop what I'm doing & sit or lie down but many times I don't change anything at all. It can be WHILE sitting on the couch, while grocery shopping, but never happened during exercise. For a while they came every day at 9:30 am. Sometimes they were related to stress like arguing with a child. Sometimes I had to sit & use relaxation techniques to keep calm and attempt to slow it down. Sometimes I would have nothing for days, sometimes daily. It had no pattern. Morning, evening, midday.

This August I began taking Paroxatine (Paxil) for depression & anxiety. For 3 weeks I had no palpitations at all. None. Then I had a minor panic attack trying to get AJ out of the Dumbo ride at Disneyland (he didn't want to get out) and it took me half an hour to calm my body down. I began to have palpitations almost every day and at one point I had 3-4 a day. DH told me to call my doc or he would. :( I was Rx'd Propanolol to slow my heart - 1-3 pills a day as needed.

After 3 weeks I went in for a checkup. Yes, I had no more palpitations (I was taking 1 pill a day) but could occasionally feel a tightness in my chest as if it would begin but not fully develop. Also I have been oh so tired... and gave up caffeine. I was told I could take 1/2 a pill if I wanted and take it at bedtime to ease the tiredness.

Today I had AJ at the mall for some play time. We chased each other from the play area to the car, not far and not fast. Once in the car I noticed my heart hadn't slowed down from the running. I sat there maybe 5-10 minutes to calm down and had no change. I began to drive home. On the way I began to feel faint and needed to get home faster. By the time I got home I was very nervous and headed straight for the Propanolol and the ouch. 1 pill and lying on my side, it took maybe 20 minutes to slow my heart rate. It wasn't all that fast, but it just wouldn't stop.

DH made me call the doctor. Now I've been reminded of signs of a heart attack and expect a call from the Cardiac Unit in a few days. Apparently that never happens so I need to be careful. No more driving while expecting to faint. Duh...

update from Doc & other stuff

2010-09-20T20:36:00.000-07:00

So I finally had my "6 weeks later" check up today. Week 3, I think, on heart medication. Boo. Apparently my lack of energy could be part of that. So instead of taking just one of those buddies in the morning to take half at night and half in the morning or a whole one at night. And she upped my dose of Paxil. I was worried about that before hand but if we can get the two to work hand in hand (Paxil makes me energetic, the heart stuff makes me tired) and even each other out then it will be fine. I was a little surprised she didn't want to actually test my heart and make me wear a heart monitor. But oh well. I'm on these babies for the next 3 months as long as nothing weird happens.

Honestly I AM a little perturbed that she didn't check on my heart thing. Maybe it's better not to bother with it right now, just manage it until I get off the anti-anxiety that is probably causing it in the first place. I don't know.

I'm overdosing on ice cream right now. Literally forcing myself to finish the bowl. I probably had a decent 2/3 c. left when I wanted to stop. Ugh... And it's Moose Tracks so it's not like I WANT to stop. But it met the craving and the craving is long gone now. Hunger is still with me. Weird.

I can't believe I've stayed steady at 145 pounds since June. I thought for sure once I got my appetite back I would gain weight. But I haven't. Stayed right around 145-148.

I read someone else's blog today about their experience at Scott Robert's NYC class. It was beautiful and intimate. Of course the imagery is fantastic but they're kind of textbook SR - night photography, OCF, 2 flashes, Cold/Hug/Ravage poses, bridal poses. Then she opened up about having Scott critique her work and where it was lacking and how she just bawled for a long time and the things it woke in her. THAT's the part I really identified with. I felt that perhaps I was supposed to get that when I went to LA but missed out because I didn't take risks, was unprepared, too proud to admit my shortcomings, honestly just wasn't ready for that level of work, and David was there so I didn't want to exclude him... So I'm mildly frustrated, yet uplifted knowing that someone else is going through that. Someone felt despair after being critiqued and also became hopeful because of dealing with the critique. I want to badly to do another workshop. I know I can swing it financially, but I just can't see myself getting away for a week during the school year this year. Maybe next year? Do I need to spend another year just learning and practicing?? Maybe I do...

doc again

2010-09-18T14:05:00.000-07:00

Last week's appointment got moved to this coming Monday. Ugh... So I should have something to say in a few days.

doc tomorrow

2010-09-13T20:28:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my 6 week check up since my last one.
But now they know about my heart racing thing.
I kind of want a higher dose of Paxil or something similar to it so I can go back to being super energetic... Pathetic.
But where I am now I don't have tons of patience, it's quite a lot of work. I'm not very energetic but I'm not wiped out all the time.
I'm not overwhelmed by life and leaving the house.

Will had half a day suspension today (only his 4th day of school) and I haven't cried over it yet. I still want to but there kind of isn't a point. The school was simply doing the exact same thing I would do - remove him until he's ready to be compliant. I have to do that all the time. And it's not like it's a "3 suspensions then expulsion" rule. They've being quite awesome and supportive. So the only reason I have to cry is my own pride. Skoda.

I don't really know what to expect of tomorrow. Just tell them how I feel now. Run down the last 6 weeks. Offer to wear a heart monitor I guess....

First day of school

2010-09-09T08:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, let me try to sum up yesterday...

I park at the school (well, half a block from school) and walk in with Will & Nina; AJ was home with DH. Will was totally excited & got into his class just fine & left me with just a hug. Nina & I head off to her class b/c she had "orientation" at 10 and school started at 9:30. So we hang out there. Then her teacher talked for about 30 min while the kids colored (and Nina squirmed and complained of being hungry), then did a craft and the parents detailed who went home on the bus & who got picked up & picked snack days, yada yada yada... We got home at 11:30

DH comes home from errands & AJ is already asleep - yay! Nina & I just hang out & putter around the house, I really don't know what to do with myself. I edit pictures for a while and resist the temptation to drive to school just to check on Will. AJ wakes up at 3, just in time to get ready to go again.

They do a drop off/pick up line for cars. So I'm "parked" about a block away in line, then when the kids come out & stand with the attendants/teachers, 4 cars drive up to the area, pick up their kid & then drive out of the loop. We had to wait about 15 minutes in line. I was so nervous Will would somehow end up on the bus! I was glad David stayed home just in case. I got Will at the school just fine & he wasn't ready to talk about his day. He just said "some rough, some fun". David got him to talk a little later.

About 15 min after we got home I got a call from the teacher. She said overall his day went great! He was polite, raised his hand, worked hard and it wasn't obvious that he wasn't from a traditional school environment. We had prepared him well and he was getting it. She was glad we had prepared her for what sensory things are hard for him. When the class was getting loud & chaotic, he was getting agitated so she dimmed the lights and he calmed down. He loved eating snack at his desk. He had a hard time in PE because no one would pass him the ball and he had to be removed to talk with the school social worker. He really connected with her (Miss S.) and felt safe with her. He told us about that too. He calmed down & returned to class just fine. Miss M. (Will's teacher) hadn't had a chance to tell the PE teacher about Will's needs & talents so she thinks that will help.

Will did fine at lunch & recess! He came home very tired & irritable though. He was determined to ride the bus & tried to run off. Both the teacher & social worker are ready to help us in any way we need, right now he just needs to accept that he is not riding the bus!! Miss S. had also called us earlier (made my heart skip!) just to introduce herself and let us know she was available.

So everyone is ready & willing to do anything that will help him succeed and make this work for us.

I was emotionally exhausted by 5 pm! I had not cried all day and just before dinner I just needed to let it out... It's so hard to let him go, to let him go through experiences that may be painful but are so necessary to his growth.

Day 27

2010-08-27T14:19:00.000-07:00

UGH!
I am NOT a happy camper today.
Will is pretty anxious to start school & doesn't really know what to do with himself. This leads to way more stunts & physical acts and then he gets hurt just a little and he acts like he cut off a finger. Seriously. He is wayyy over acting.
Nina is probably nervous/excited about starting school as well. She's been extra clingy & in need of attention.
AJ is being really whiny.

So many of the actual behavior we have curbed this last month. And during and after vacation last week we've had a nice lot of family time. Mom & Dad pointed out that maybe the underlying cause is their nervousness & excitement. It could be. And that would be a very hard feeling for them to describe. So I'm trying to meet Will's need for more attention and having a very hard time at it.

Had two episodes of heart palpitation today. I haven't had any since Disneyland (I thought I wouldn't be able to get AJ off the Dumbo ride) and haven't had any the rest of August. This morning I was irritated with Nina and vrrrrooooommmm, there goes my heart like it's a freaking Formula 1 race. Then at Costco I was loading the stuff into the van and it was so heavy, the kids were hungry, AJ needed a diaper (which I had to get out of the box) and I was worn out and just wanted to go home. Out of nowhere, the pulse is racing, I can feel it in my neck, I get a little light headed & have to stop. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

The way I feel today:
restless
down
discouraged
stressed
unsure
tired
frustrated

I've yelled & threatened with the kids a little today. Even when I was clear & concise my voice was not always under control. I was angry many times already. It doesn't help that there were MANY curve balls thrown to me at Costco!! They didn't have regular Ziplock gallon size bags, only freezer style. The diapers weren't in the right place. I couldn't decide string cheese or American, even though I know we need American. Then at the deli I didn't have enough cash to buy myself what I wanted and I needed to have a hot dog to make it all work. They didn't have Sprite in the fountain, only lemonade or Mountain Dew - so the kids were disappointed. It was so crowded. It was so very crowded. I didn't buy myself a drink at all because it was hard enough to take care of the kids' needs. I opted to have them eat in the car rather than find a place to sit. Almost forgot to get gas. Even though I missed most of Meridian traffic it was shocking how many people are driving around at 1 pm today.

Ugh... That's all. I'm tired & I want to be alone but now alone time is over!!

depression, anxiety and me

2010-08-25T11:28:00.000-07:00

I think someday in the future I will write about how these things affected me as an artist. I have read lots about post partum depression and mothers with depression but I couldn't find anything about photographers with depression or anxiety. Everything I found pointed towards photographers during the Great Depression or photos titled with Anxiety or Depression. I'm not ready for that to be public knowledge, but someday it will be. For now just these things: I was completely sapped of motivation. Dry on creativity. The constant feelings of inferiority weighed on me like 50 pound bags of sand. The insane butterflies in my stomach before and during client meetings. The hives the night before the wedding expo. Insomnia frequently. Ugh....

Recap of Week 2-3

2010-08-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

We went on vacation to California & stayed with friends for the entire week. A few days before we left I began to not sleep very well - needing to take Tylenol PM about 10 pm most nights. When we got there it was much worse. I was waking up at 1 and staying awake for a long time. One night I slept 11-1 am and 4-6 am. I couldn't get comfortable but even if I could I was unable to sleep. The Tylenol PM wasn't helping. I took it at bedtime - roughly 10:30 pm and still woke up at 2 am. So another night I took it at 2 am when I woke up, but still found it hard to truly sleep. My breathing was fast - too fast for sleep - and I couldn't talk myself into breathing slower.

I called my doctor's office on Wednesday, Thursday & Friday - no response.
On Wednesday I took my pill at lunch instead of breakfast. Thursday I took it at dinner. Friday I took it at 8 pm. Saturday I took it at bedtime. Thursday I woke up at 2 am but was able to get back to sleep. Friday I woke briefly at 5 am. Saturday I slept through the night, or until AJ got up which was at 5:30 am Sunday morning!

I don't really like this switch to taking it at night. Yes, I enjoy sleeping. But now I have just average energy. I really really liked having lots of energy late in the day when everyone else was lagging. Now I wake up with average energy and make it through the day like that. Not awesome. Not what it used to be. But it's okay and it's still better than I was without it.

Day 12 - I smell garlic

2010-08-12T14:11:00.000-07:00

I think I smell garlic all the time. Partly because I was having an issue with the package of frozne raspberries from the store. Every time I touched that package my hands came away smelling like garlic. But that one is gone & I have a new one now. It also does the same thing. Then I received 40+ cloves of raw, peeled garlic from my mom. Yum! Then the whole kitchen smelled like garlic. Today was the beginning of the Pierce County Fair, which is just a mile from my house. Naturally I can smell the fair food and guess what.... I can smell garlic.

Anyway, I'm discovering that even though I now have a decent amount of consistent energy (not powered by coffee), I still have ups & downs. I still have moods to work through, I still can get into my own little (very shallow) rut if I let myself. This isn't a magic drug. It felt like it, but it isn't. I feel so normal I have already forgotten to take it twice - luckily I discovered it about halfway through the day.

No sleep issues! I can fall asleep at a normal time and without help. I am waking up fine and in a very normal, slightly sleepy state.

My appetite is fine! I no longer have that stressed-out-slightly-upset stomach all the time.

I am no longer beating myself over the head with how awful things are and how much I hate my life or this stage of life. Speaking of which - this is just part of growing up! Get over it!

I have come to terms with the inner creative frustration - it will always be there. I will always have something inside me waiting for the right time to come out and be expressed. It's not a bad thing. It's a good thing!

Day 10

2010-08-10T21:28:00.000-07:00

I am woofed today. Almost enough to need coffee. I had thought that my new energy level last week would be a constant, but I guess not. Yesterday was a VERY long day, with two 3 hour drives and lots of hard work at Gary & Noni's wedding. So I guess this isn't a miracle drug, it doesn't give amazing energy, it gives me NORMAL energy. What I used to have. Or should have. And it can't make up for long days, short nights and the body needing more sleep. Okay. I was a little short with the kids today, whoops. My parents (and David) brought up that I haven't yelled at the kids at all since I started this. Wow. Who know I could go without yelling for more than 7 days?? I haven't given any unnecessary swats and even my tone of voice is mostly under control. Two or three weeks ago I couldn't have dreamed any of those things were possible. Even the necessary swats were within reason and without any anger at all. Wow. But I still need sleep, so off to bed I go...

Day 6

2010-08-06T13:19:00.000-07:00

What I've noticed this week:

mild upset stomach in the morning
mild drowsiness, nothing out of the ordinary and gone around lunch
energy that lasts all day
more patience
more empathy
more sympathy
more joy
more hope
faith isn't a joke
way less anxiety about social situations & work
no dread, no foreboding
no cement in my stomach
no crying
happy people don't make me sick to my stomach

Day 2

2010-08-02T08:47:00.000-07:00

So this could be the result of a full night's sleep that was also uninterrupted, or it could be a sign of things to come...

I feel hopeful.

Day 1

2010-08-01T09:01:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day of taking 10 mg of Paxil. We'll see how this goes. I'm expecting nothing more than a slight upset stomach today. The dose is so low I may notice nothing for weeks. :(

It's 6:30 pm, about 10 hours after taking the drug. I feel great. I've had only slighty drowsiness, the kind of thing that normally happens at 1 & 5 pm, so that's probably nothing. I feel energetic & creative. However, a lot of that could be from having 3 hours of alone time!! I got all caught up on my phone calls, schedule and email. David and the kids went to his parents house about 3 pm. I've just done whatever I want since then. And we all know I recharge best by being a l o n e! So who knows. But if it's the drug then I'll probably feel pretty good tomorrow. If it's the alone time then tomorrow will be so-so with plenty of ups & downs like usual....

Since I'll have more "free" (ha ha ha ha ha ha) time soon, here's some things I'd like to do:
Update AJ's blog and work on it for the whole school year.
Update Nina's blog a little bit.
Turn Will's blog into a book (ages 307) and update it a little
Look for a way to turn my Xanga blog into a book.
Compile my "best of 09-10" images into a book.
Work on the family scrapbook
Catch up on AJ's 0-2 scrapbook
Repair all the walls & touch up paint *kitchen first!*
Paint our room
Paint the toy room
Fix Nina's bed *find the missing piece obviously

I think that will keep me busy all year...

Shoulda Said....

2010-07-29T20:28:00.000-07:00

Sheesh, so I finally have my doctor's appointment today. I did the brave thing and told the nurse that I needed to talk about antidepressant or antianxiety meds...

What I DID say... I've been seeing a counselor who suggested I talk to you about antidepressants. Many things were still seemingly out of my control: anxiety over having people over, avoiding leaving the house, lack of energy, lack of motivation, cancelling plans with friends, short fuse with the kids, not sleeping well.

What I SHOULDA said.... Racing heart beat when stressed but occasionally for no apparent reason at all, poor sleep, lack of appetite, feeling overwhelmed quickly and then not being able to do anything about it, not liking my life 8/10 days, hating my life 1/10 days, no hope on the horizon just have to fake it until something changes. The kicker of what I should have said: I'm unhappy being a wife & mother & I've all but given up photography. I have no passion or drive for anything anymore, it's all about survival now.

But here's this: I've contemplated what exactly I am not satisfied with in my life right now and I can't come up with anything! I've even thought about what it would be like to not be married, have a career, have more kids or less kids or no kids. Nothing sounds better than what I have now, only worse. Yet that doesn't bring up feelings of satisfaction with my current situation.

I am stuck in a phase of life I don't want to be in!! It was much easier being a baby maker, playing with little kids and enjoying setting up our first homes. But now this "parent of a grade schooler" stage sucks! The disciplining is way harder and less concrete (in my mind anyway) and relating becomes easier but harder at the same time. I don't want to be away from my kids and leave them in the hands of God only knows who (thank goodness He does though!) and let them experience all the horrors that come with going to school!! I don't want to let go, even though I know it's time...

Wife Mommy What?

2010-07-26T19:01:00.000-07:00

I feel like my life is in the middle of being redefined. Not a pleasant feeling. I just had this feeling last winter when it was time to adjust my thinking about homeschooling, public schools and our family. I defined myself as a homeschooling mom. I seemed to fit into that model fairly well: slightly overprotective, creative, flexible yet structured. But things needed to change and I made it through that transition. But now what?

I don't know how to be a mom of school-age kids. It's kind of daunting. It's part of growing up, I keep telling myself and others, but I'm reluctant to face this one. I don't know what this stage in motherhood is supposed to look like. I assume there are many models for this one, just as there were for being a mother of a newborn. The Crunchy Mom, The Creamy Mom, The Live By Instincts Mom, The Informed Mom, The Lean on My Friends Mom, The Lean on My Family Mom, The Right in the Middle Mom, The Mom in Sweats, The Mom in Heels, The Mom with Dried Spit Up on Her Shoulder.

So does this next phase look like this too?

And what about my waning interest in my business and very expensive hobby? Is it a passion or a hobby that pays bills? If it's a passion then I should find it, nurture it, dig it up & polish it. If it's a hobby, then why bother? If it's a passion I should start thinking about the next Wedding Expo season. If not... Then what?

Ahem.... Notice how many "shoulds" were up there? Okay, only two. But they are very heavy "shoulds" and are probably worth 5 each!

I need to (should) find myself again. Myself the Human BEing. Not a Human Doing.

I once heard someone give a lecture about the general interest question "so what do you do?" He said he answers it with "I like to ski, travel, time with my kids" full well knowing that the question is not literally about what one DOES with one's time. The question really means "how do you earn a living?" but it forgets that an individual is much more faceted than the way they provide for their family. We center so much time and energy on this, but it does not need to define who we are. WHO am I? Wife, mother, teacher (just a natural part of being a mother), photographer (on some level anyway), friend, sister..... And yet this doesn't seem to answer my own question of who am I?

Emotions vs. Sensations

2010-07-09T16:23:00.000-07:00

I gotta say, being honest & trying to put words to how I feel is terribly hard sometimes. Some things just defy adjectives! For instance how do I feel this afternoon while sitting on the back porch watching the kids play in the pool & yard? Heavy. Almost in pain. My to-do list is overwhelming and I can't work on it because I know if I leave the kids to themselves there will be yelling, crying and more stress. I can prevent that by being physically present and intervening quickly before any yelling or crying starts.

Then the kids are quite calm & sharing nicely so I walk inside. What should I do first? I can't actually pick anything. Nothing seems doable. Everything seems like a gigantic task that will never get done.

So I make more lists to try and break it down. *And this is the point where the kids yelled for me and needed help.* Packing list, To Do List, broken down packing list by event, category of items or person. And still..... I can't bring myself to DO it. Any of it.

Why do I feel heavy? Is that an emotion or a sensation of the body? I FEEL like crying. I want to curl up in a ball here on the couch and cry. But again, if I start, will I be able to stop?? I AM hot. It is a wonderfully hot day. That is a sense not an emotion. Other languages cover that so much better! Je mi teplo! Citim sa smutny! I am warm. I feel sad. And it is impossible to say "I feel heavy". Yet that is the word that comes to mind.

And yet worship songs DO run through my head. The words and scripture that are buried deep definitely still surface when I need them. But the relief and hope is only temporary. Lack of sleep or stress remove it so quickly and the heaviness returns.

How long have I been on this downward slope?? And how long have I been living at this stage, just a few feet from the bottom??

Sleep Issues - Again

2010-07-09T07:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Unisom doesn't work on emotions, only on the body. The body being driven by emotions can override the medication. Another night of not much sleep. :( But after taking Unisom at 12:30 (and still not falling asleep until after 2:30) I chose to NOT take Tylenol Sinus PM because I'm afraid I wouldn't wake up if/when I needed to. :( I hate sleeping without David next to me! And having Nina NOT kick me and gently stroke her hand across my hand (which scared me) would probably help...

Sleep = patience, kind of

2010-07-08T08:25:00.000-07:00

What a night of restful sleep will do! I took Unisom as I went to bed last night, did the usual routine and was out almost the whole night. I woke once or twice to see who was kicking me (Nina) but quickly returned to sleep. I can already see I'm more patient this morning than yesterday. Not enough, but more. Another thing that is helping my outlook today is knowing that I have help coming. My sitter will be here from 10-1 so I can get a haircut, buy a few groceries & hit the post office. Yesterday was challenging from beginning to end. I was too tired to be a stickler about rules & obedience, which of course backfires and makes everything worse. I blew up at them at lunch time (low blood sugar and lack of sleep don't help the situation) and had to reap my own consequences. There is so zero fresh food in the house so I HAVE to buy something but couldn't get out yesterday. It was non-stop in a chill kind of way. The kind of way that says "we aren't leaving the house, but we are quite busy." So glad I get to do a few things BY MYSELF. Just knowing that is making this morning go better.

Sleep Issues - Mine!

2010-07-07T07:27:00.000-07:00

Ugh, I can't believe I didn't see this pattern, but I am not sleeping well! I've been blaming it on the kids, on someone being sick, cold, or waking up with a nightmare. But I'm actually waking up on my own and unable to go back to sleep. Last night I went to bed at 10:30 pm, fell asleep a little after 11 pm doing my usual sleep routine. But then I woke up at 1 am. And couldn't go back to sleep. Just laying there. Heart running too fast, but no thoughts or worries going through my head. I was physically comfortable but had to work very hard to slow down my breathing & heart. I wonder if the extra Sudafed I took during the day was part of that. But it was a little 4 hour dose and I took it at 4 pm. I lay there awake (or sleeping only small bursts) until 3 am when I finally fell asleep again. I tried to do my sleep routine at 2 and did fall asleep but not for long. Sometime after 3 (that was the last time I checked the clock) I finally fell asleep and stayed asleep until 6:30 am. Sheesh. You'd think I had a newborn...

I wish...

2010-07-06T20:20:00.000-07:00

I wish my public persona, the face I put on to make it through the day, could be real. I wish I didn't have to work so hard to be "myself" with friends and then let down to be "myself" at home. Because the "Nickie" that people know IS real, still vulnerable & honest. But there's a dark place I don't let everyone see, a dark thing that surfaces when I'm alone. I have to work so hard to keep it down, to keep it from overtaking my life. Ugh.

things I don't like

2010-07-05T13:13:00.000-07:00

I don't like taking the kids (mostly Will) anywhere new because I don't know how to prepare him or know what will bother him or how to help him or how he will react
I don't like being with more than 1 person at a time
I don't like hosting, it's a lot of pressure and dread!
I don't like going to other people's houses
I don't enjoy reading photography blogs because it just reminds me how inferior I am and how I will never get such good results
I don't enjoy reading happy people's updates, they make me jealous and nauseous. I'd love to sort my friends into optimist/pessimist groups so I could block all the optimists.
I'd rather be around 1000 strangers than a group of 10 acquaintances
Meetups with people I've never met (or know only online) give me the heebie jeebies
I don't want to cook, but I'm giving it a 150% effort right now for the kids' health
I don't want to do any creative post processing, I am completely lacking inspiration!
I don't want to post process at all, I'd rather not even look at a shoot that just ended
I don't want to call anyone to talk about how I feel; I can't stand complaining - even my own.
I don't like "needing" a babysitter twice a week for my own mental health. What kind of a mom am I if I can't even be here??
I don't like keeping secrets, but I don't want people to know how I really feel
I work out my frustration by doing the dishes. I hate doing dishes.

I wonder how long I've felt like this. There was a time I was not this down, not all the time.
I still have goals, but there is so much standing in the way right now...

I want to network with other photographers, but I fear meeting new people and especially in large groups.
I want to improve as a photographer, but right now there's such a strong sense of failure and insecurity.
I want to take more workshops but feel trapped in time and opportunity
I want to be certified and join other professional associations, but between time and anxiety...
I want to be a good friend to my friends, to care about my husband better, to be more patient with my kids, to be THERE in the moment, for all of them.
I want to exercise, to have the energy to get out AND exercise

Heavy

2010-07-04T14:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, since apparently I need to be even more transparent and honest... here goes...

I feel HEAVY!! My body, my gut, my heart feel so heavy right now. I feel I never get to enjoy anything. I'm dragging physically, as if I need a nap, or exercise, or something to perk me up. But whatever it is, it won't work, it won't happen, so I'll put on my happy face & fake it for the next 8 hours. And apparently I'm too good at faking it because people think that's really me.
My eyes hurt. I just want to cry so they will stop hurting. But if I cry, what if I can't stop? And then my face will be red & puffy & I'll have to redo my make up and if I start crying now... I may not be able to stop. It'll be like AJ's birthday all over again. Where I cry all day off & on. And can't snap out of it. So it's better if I don't start.
My Strength is sufficient for you. Yes, I lean on this quite frequently. But that doesn't mean I need to give into this weakness. HE will get me through the rest of the day.
What about tomorrow? Ahhhh, don't worry about tomorrow, each day has enough trouble of it's own. And that's the Bible, not a melancholy pessimist! Matt 6:34
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Php 4:6
But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil on. 2 Thess 3:3
Casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you. 1Peter 5:7
And the heaviness lifts. A little. Enough to soldier on.

An Evaluation

2010-07-02T19:53:00.000-07:00

I saw my counselor today. We had a good 4 months this winter and she helped me break down some overwhelming problems into bite size chunks. I thought I was doing great. But I've noticed some things over the last little bit that were really bothering me.

I went to complain that I'm frequently overwhelmed, frustrated in photography and business, nothing is working out, I'm not eating well, I haven't made the doctors appointments I should have, my trouble with babysitters, how I don't want to be around people even people that I know & love, anxiety over hosting family get togethers and how weird that is, and how I nearly missed my 3 year olds birthday dinner. I went in just wanting an ear and a shoulder to cry on. But I could have done that with any friend and my sweet husband. But I had this gut feeling that this was something bigger. Because I've already cried over all these things with and to my husband. My sister and parents have already heard some of these complaints. Why burden them again and again?

She thinks I need depression medication.

I am one part relieved, one part overwhelmed and one part scared.

I am relieved because I really was thinking that something was wrong with me. I haven't been myself and on my down & difficult days I wonder when, if ever, I will get to be me again. When I scrapbook photos from last summer I feel very different from the person I'm looking at. And my outward appearance hasn't changed. It's nice that someone agrees that I'm not myself. And that there's a solution.

I am overwhelmed because this might mean we need to change our health insurance. A higher monthly premium, a lower deductible, better coverage. I don't actually know that but I'm worried about it already. Keeping health insurance affordable and practical to the family is a burden I worry about frequently.

I'm scared (and here's the part where I cry at the computer). I'm afraid to tell my husband. I don't want anyone else to know outside of him anyway, but.... Well... I didn't believe in depression & medication anyway. I assume that he doesn't either. Maybe those are just my thoughts and feelings I'm putting on him. But since we went through all the same training... I've decided to just be honest. But when, tonight? Tomorrow? Right before he leaves on a trip? Or wait until August, when I see my doctor and they confirm and prescribe something? Well. I know I can't carry this information. It's too heavy. I need some support, help & encouragement.

Time to Evaluate

2010-06-25T13:49:00.000-07:00

It appears to be time for a change and that means time to reevaluate where I am and where I'm headed.

Change 1: two older kids are going to school. N will be there in the mornings, 9-12 (I must be home at 12 every day to meet her at the bus stop). W will be there all day, 9-3, and I am driving them both to school at 8:45 am and picking W up at 3 whatever pm.

Change 2: new schedule (see above). No more trips during the week, no more cross state trips at all, no more mid-week trips to the Children's Museum, the Fair, IKEA or anything else. I am now tied to the school's schedule.

Change 3: I am almost out of debt. I will soon be able to pick my clients instead of begging them to pick me. But because of #2, what time do I have???

What ARE my God-given dreams?? And what are my selfish goals?
How do I tell the difference? What is next for me and my business/hobby?

I've nearly decided to take a year off. No promoting, no free sessions, not taking ANY client unless I truly want to. I'm going to spend the year on growth. Personal growth and professional growth.

To the latter, I feel inferior because I AM INFERIOR. I cannot pull off the kind of consistency that I want. Correct exposure, creative eye, attention to details. I follow so many other photographers and it should not be pulling me down but pushing me forward. I finally feel that I have reached that point. The point of change. We've all heard it, "you will only change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing." *author unknown I am determined to grow more proficient at several things: consistent exposure, seeing the unexpected, sunflares, creative locations, taking only projects that mean something to me.

To the former, for some reason this last year has been frought with emotional upheaval & frustration. The road I thought I was on has changed, which frustrates me, and the new road is full of unknowns. Even turning 33 this year has brought on some physical and emotional changes. Seven years of marriage. Three kids. Not breastfeeding or pregnant. What does "non-hormonally surged" Nickie look like?? It's been rough.

I'm sure I will be returning to this page frequently. It helped so much to re-read past trials and frustrations and how God worked through all those times. Since I stopped blogging consistently (oh goodness, maybe 3 years now?) it is hard to remember much. I miss those triggers and the opportunity to vent in a safe place. ;)

Survey for Amanda

2007-02-05T19:47:00.000-08:00

Just because Amanda asked me to... :)
Getting to Know Me:
1.)What color are your kitchen plates? The every day plates are white, my nice plates are white with navy trim
2.) What book are you reading now? Book? Who has time to actually turn pages when the internet is so much faster??
3.)What is on your mouse pad?I don't have one
4.)Favorite board game? I haven't played in forever, but it was Settlers of Catan.. ahhh, good times...
5.)Least favorite smells? A certain "vent" in Slovakia that aired out the local sewer.
6.)What is the first thing you think of in the morning? Can't they go back to bed? Is it 7 yet?
7.)Favorite Color? Blue. Most blues, but a blue and green combination is awesome.
8.)Least favorite color? Black.
9.)How many rings until you answer the phone? I wait for caller ID then decide if the kids are too loud to even hear the other person & should I bother to answer if I can't actually talk??
10.)Future child's name? Since I will probably not get to use them: Chaughnessy, Vanessa, Margaret, Elizabeth, Jane, Amy... I'm not giving away my combinations though...
11.)Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate - is there anything else?
12.)Do you like to drive fast? Before kids - yes. After kids, I just prefer to stay away from all the slow old people.
13.)Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Just my big DavidBear!
14.)Do you like thunderstorms? Neither here nor there... As long as the kids aren't bothered by it.
15.)What color are your eyes? Green/Grey, they change. My daughter's change from blue to grey too...
16.)Sign? Aries, not like it's important...
17.)Do you eat the stems of broccoli? What? Yeah...
18.)If you could have any job, what would it be? Getting paid to do something I love & still have time for my family. So far that doesn't have a title! :)
19.)If you could have any color hair, what would it be? A little red-er than what I have. The grey's are taking over though...
20.)Is the glass half full or half empty? You never know these days....
21.)What is your favorite movie? Currently: Little Miss Sunshine or The Devil Wears Prada
22.) Do you type with your fingers on the right keys? Always! Mr. Whitehead would be proud.
23.)What's under your bed? Christmas paper, dust bunnies, random feathers, kids' toys
24.)What is your favorite number? 27
25.)Favorite sports to watch? Football, everything else is not entertaining.
26.)Your single biggest intense pain? My miscarriage, then when Jamie died last month...
27.)Person most likely to respond? I doubt it.
28.)Person least likely " "? No one is going to do this, only 2 people even read this.
29.)Ketchup or Mustard? Depends what it's for, but Dijon
30.)Hamburgers or hotdog? Hamburgers... Ooh, you're going to make me send David out on a craving run!
32.)The best place you have ever been? Miami Beach...
33.)Favorite fast food? McDonald's, then Applebees, if that counts.
34.)What kind of car do you drive? Trailblazer - my favorite so far
35.)Married or Single? Married, almost 5 years now

Friendship Prayer

2006-11-27T18:15:00.000-08:00

May the fleas of a thousand camels

infest the crotch of the person

who screws up your day

and may their arms be too short to scratch...

Amen.

I got this today in my email & thought that it is a lovely, heartfelt wish from a good friend who truly wants your day to go a little better, even if the only thing good that happens is smiling & laughing at this... :)

I didn't quit

2006-11-20T07:45:00.000-08:00

blogging, I'm just severely distracted. I've met so many good friends on my xanga page and now I'm checking the Baby Center bulletin boards all the time for pregnancy tips & help. I may end up using this as a pregnancy journal of sorts, but really, I'm just too busy to blog about the other random things that don't belong on xanga or the kids' blogs. So... I'm not dead, I didn't quit blogging, I'm just 5 other places at once!

Brides Who Don't Care Anymore

2006-08-29T12:26:00.000-07:00

We all know them. If you were one, you probably remember that point where the details don't matter anymore, "I just want to get married!" It happens to everyone, as far as I know. But it hits at different times. Some women are just naturally not into details, some are super organizers. But eventually, each will come to a point where they no longer care & don't want to answer any more questions.

This is my year of weddings. I knew it would be. And after having been to and been in several weddings this year (with 2 more to go) here is a little something I've picked up. Most brides need one thing, one essential thing. A wedding planner. Now you can be cheap & do stuff yourself. But ONLY if you are one of those really organized people, or your mother, fiance' or future mother-in-law, or sister-in-law or any relative for that matter. My husband & I planned our own wedding and we were awesome at it. But that's because we're both really into details. And our mothers were wise enough to delegate a lot of responsibilities to friends of theirs who were also detail oriented, bossy people.
Brides, listen up. You need someone who is NOT IN THE WEDDING (and that nixes your mother) to be your go-to person on the day of the wedding. Someone to find the photographer, locate the groom when he's late or just not dressed, make sure the bouquets & corsages get pinned on BEFORE pictures, have an emergency box of things for the inevitable - the weight you've recently lost & now your dress needs safety pins, the ring bearer got dirt on his face, the flower girl spilled something on her dress & there's only 20 minutes left! Someone to answer your phone, make sure that list of "special poses" you met with the photographer about actually happen, someone to remind you to sit down & take a drink when necessary, someone to be a go-between for your parents & vendors, someone who doesn't care about all the little family drama, someone who can see above or around it & just make sure your special day is the best it could possibly be.
Since my husband & I are pretty detailed & also pretty good under pressure, attending weddings or being in them can get tense & stressful for us. We want to help, but are bound by our obligations & duties in another role: bridesmaid, groomsman, guest, family. Once I happily became the "wedding coordinator" at the last minute. The family realized there was no one to cue the bridal party that everyone was seated. Ta da! I wasn't doing anything else so I gladly offered to do it. Someone to keep a schedule & then locate the right person at the right time. Grandma Hilda isn't here yet? Why not? Didn't she know pictures were at this time? Oh "Planner," please go find Grandma for me!
I'm so NOT kidding. I'm trying to learn to let go & not be such a control freak. But my husband would be great at this. Radios all around, list of phone numbers, schedules, box of emergency supplies, first aid training, he is prepared for any situation. And he will never make you feel stressed, he makes everyone feel at peace. They know he has everything under control. So if anyone reading this needs a planner or coordinator (and don't think about J.Lo in The Wedding Planner, it can be much simpler than that!), leave a comment & hopefully we can help. :) Or if you're a bride & you've already reached the place of not caring, please be good to your bridal party & groom & mother - get a super-organized, super-bossy friend to be your coordinator/planner!

Fashion Commentary

2006-08-29T12:12:00.000-07:00

or "What Your Friends Won't Tell You (But Should!)"

I wish I had pictures of these horrible fashion infractions.
1) Lovely young adult woman wearing a black top & white linen pants. Everything seems together until she walks past me and I see it: a black thong. A big BLACK "Y" on the upper part of her buttocks, seen RIGHT THROUGH THE PANTS. Shudder everyone. Big fashion no-no. Thong is a good idea if you have wide hips, see through pants or tight pants where any underwear at all will leave a very definite Visible Panty Line (VPL). However, if you are wearing WHITE or KHAKI or any light color, be sure that your thong is flesh tone. Wearing white underwear under white pants will only draw attention to the area, as do VPL, as do black or any dark colored underwear of any cut & style. Jeans or black pants that are tight often deserve either granny panties or a thong, simply for their VPL tendencies. Color usually doesn't matter. If you feel the need to wear a black thong, choose to wear black pants. Please. Even my husband noticed this one.

I'm usually okay with the occasional bra strap peeking out on someone's shoulder. I'm even okay with coordinating your bra & top, if you mean for it to be seen (since it couldn't be avoided). But read this one...

2)Teenage girl at the park wearing the wonderful invention of a spaghetti strap tank with built in bra. Except she's wearing a white bra underneath. How do I know? Not from the slinky satiny straps daring to escape from under the built in tank straps. Because she was wearing a RACER BACK style bra. Oh yes. And not simple cris-crossed strapps, with a full on lace panel in the middle of her back. Terrible. The purpose of having a shirt with a built-in-bra is to use it. If you need to wear extra support, choose a strapless bra, or a different tank. Mom, grandma, big sister, SOMEONE should have said, "honey I think you're not sending the right message here." Because the message to my friend & I was loud & clear: I'm too immature to think about what I'm wearing under my clothes. I only checked out the front side in my bathroom mirror.

So there's my little fashion rant for today. I'm sure I have more...

Does Church trump all other interests?

2006-07-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

The Do-gooders are great people. Assistant pastors, homeschooling family, lots of community outreach, volunteer at various organizations and are pillars in the church. They are well respected everywhere they go. One child is involved in a sport and does very well. One of the championship games will take place on a Sunday in the middle of service. The parents wrestle with this. Do they say the child can't play because it's a Sunday? Does one parent go to church and one parent go to the game? Do neither go to church, or neither go to the game? Common wrestling questions for parents - how to support their child in their particular interests. They decided to not attend the child's game. I'm not writing to pass judgement on their choice - it's their choice to make. But it began a conversation on the order of life.
I believe the order of priority in my relationships is
God
Family
Church
My relationship with God is first and foremost. All the others suffer when this is not attended to. My family must come next. My husband and children are precious relationships that will last into eternity. The church is an extended family of people. Some I have no relationship at all other than saying "hello," others are close friends and there are many in the middle. My church and my community are places God has placed me to both to learn and to teach. But when is it okay to let my interests, or the interests of my children override a church service? I'm not talking about a visit from the Pope, the President, Dr. Dobson or even a special event. Just a church service. I can get the tape of the sermon. I can ask the worship director which songs were sung. I can get the announcements from friends. So (in wayyy general terms) is it acceptable to skip church & go to the beach once a year? Or to go on a girl's weekend? When my kids are older and have games on a Sunday, what will our standard be as a family?
Just questions running through my head. Each family, each parent will have to make their own choices and wrestle for themselves. But in generalities, when does church trump my family? When does church trump a vacation?

Privacy

2006-05-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

Wow, if you're visiting this, you've probably been waiting for me to write here about something - anything! I started this page a long time ago because I knew sometimes I have to write & get stuff out of my system, but it isn't really news or family related and it didn't seem to have a place on the family blog. It seem that there is a contagious rash going around. I'm not sure what the name is. Somedays I call it paranoia and other days it gets called precaution. So I'm putting a little test out there to anyone who drops by. Please leave a comment. Tell me if I know you in real life or not or if we have a mutual friend somewhere or if you were just browsing and found this. There's a possibility I will be shutting down this page and the kids' pages. So I'll give it a week and watch the statistics. Some changes might be coming, but maybe not, it will all depend on me & my mood swing! Have a pleasant day!

Meredith Grey, poor girl

2006-04-12T19:49:00.000-07:00

Oh my..... I feel the urge to write but the topic has not yet formed itself in my head. I usually ramble about various events on my xanga page since most events involve my family and that's what that page is for. I know it's a little backwards that this page's address is "robbsfam" and that one is "nickieroo" yet here is where I am more personal and there it is all about the family. Hmmm.... One reason I feel I must write is because David is watching "The Village" downstairs (with Jerry) & there's no way I'm watching that. Can't even be in the same room. Ugh... Sorry for the extreme dullness today. There's a lot on my mind, a lot going on but somehow I don't feel the freedom to put all that together & in public. Oh well.
On to my favorite subject - Grey's Anatomy! I love the writer's blog - http://www.greyswriters.com/

Meredith has issues and they just become more and more apparent each passing week. So far I've discovered her father (a writer) cared for her as an infant while her mother was completing her internship at a Seattle hospital. Her parents divorced when she was maybe 5 and she was raised by her mother, a world famous surgeon. Her mother discouraged her from going to med school, saying she would never make it. Her father was out of the picture but remarried and had two more daughters.
What kind of life is that for a 5 year old? Mother was most likely not there when she came home from school every afternoon - so was Meredith a latchkey kid, daycare, after school nanny? No wonder she has trouble with men, she barely had parents! And the half-sister we met last week said she was 22 but had an older sister in med school. Meredith must be about 28 or older to have two sisters more than 5 years younger but one already in grad school. How long is med school? Did Meredith take longer doing her undergrad work before her mom got sick? Or is she really more like 30, 32? And as for the McDreamy-Meredith-George parallel to Chief-Ellis-Thatcher it's almost creepy. I just hope Meredith sees the hope in the situation, that she doesn't have to turn out like her mother (even if she does have the genetic predisposition for early Alzheimer's.) The vow of celibacy is probably her best bet if she can stick to it.

IMG_0890

2006-04-10T14:22:00.000-07:00

IMG_0890
Originally uploaded by douea.

Engaged! Yay, finally Ted & Jalene are engaged! Congratulations on moving to the next level. ;)

Stylist Needed!

2006-03-27T19:54:00.000-08:00

Please! Are there any stylists who need to do some volunteer work??? If so, please contact Cindy Sheehan. Look at this! Yes, pink and brown go well together, but not hot pink and camel! And now, the walking advertisement for moisturizer and sunblock - Bridgette Bardot. Yikes - I'm heading straight for both bottles right now!

Burdens and Lessons

2006-03-21T14:06:00.000-08:00

Does God put people on our heart for their benefit or our own?

I used to think that a burden for someone else meant that I should be doing something for them. Praying, bringing a meal, sending a card, a phone call... These are good things and probably necessary. And I think that the answer to the question above is "both." Someone needs something I have to offer, and I should take away a lesson too.

"Sweetie" was an acquaintance. She had moved here from another state with her husband and child. It seemed that she could use some friends and probably a church. The circumstances of our lives were similar enough that we should have become friends. But it didn't happen. I invited her to my house but she didn't have a car. She didn't want me to come to her house. I offered to pick her up & take the kids somewhere but she wasn't interested. I invited her to the beach but she wanted her child to have a good nap. I invited her to a Ladies Night at church, but she was too tired. I invited her to a mom's get together, she wasn't interested. I brought her a meal when she was sick. I called her whenever I thought of her - figuring she needed someone to talk to like I did. I tried to commisserate over shared difficulties (lack of sleep, budgetting ideas, good deals at our mall). I learned quickly this was a mistake. Anytime I opened up, she would use it against me later. I tried to share God's blessings with her but somehow she made me feel bad or even guilty about it. So I made space. If she wants to talk, she has my number. If she wants something to do, she has my number. If we see each other, it is easy to be friendly; forgiveness has healed the knife wounds in my back. And I still have that burden for her - I still pray for her.

Is this how God feels when we reject Him? Is this what Christ felt on the cross? Of course I'm not comparing this little situation to His incredible sacrifice. But on a daily basis He offers His hand, His patience, His grace, His strength, His wisdom, His omniscience. Too often I don't see it. I have to come to a hurdle and then ask for it, when I could've taken Him up on the offer first thing in the morning.

It may sound ridiculous to some, but this is where I'm at. The lesson I am learning from this is 1) forgive, 2) forget, 3) stop throwing pearls into the mud, 4) when Help is offered, receive it gladly! The last one is so very practical! Offers of help came from every which way when Nina was born. People even showed up at my door asking if I would like a break and could they take Will to the park. Friends brought food. Someone covered my church responsibilities. I still get offers for help, but my pride has returned. Most days I could use a hand. Who wouldn't? :) But I am still learning to receive help.

Who Am I?

2006-02-11T07:17:00.000-08:00

I was talking with a good friend a while ago and telling her how one of my neighbors might be my next really close friend. I was a little shocked when I realized it because she is not someone I would normally pick to be a close friend. Acquaintance, yes. Friend, yes. Really good friend? I should preface this by saying that it's nothing wrong with her, it's just that she is really different from the mold I thought all my close friends fit into. She is quieter, she thinks before she speaks, she is artistic, she is independent. Most of my close friends are loud, off-the-cuff, in-your-face, active, passionate. Some of them would call themselves "choleric" from the old temperament test we all took about 10-15 years ago. And most of these friends I would not have picked as close friends, I was forced to learn how to relate and a friendship blossomed later. As I shared this with Good Friend, she started laughing and asked how I see myself. "Easy," I said, "quiet, introverted, takes a while to warm up, honest but tactful...." I stopped because she was laughing so hard.
"Are you serious?" she challenged me. "I don't see you that way!"
Unfortunately our conversation didn't go much longer because children needed us on both ends of the phone.
I began thinking about all the words I had used to describe myself. Most of them were labels not adjectives.
For instance, here are four adjectives to choose from. Pick one and only one. Which one would you pick to describe you?
Friendly
Faithful
Funny
Forceful
I picked "Friendly" because I am not usually funny (although I try), I am faithful, I am almost never forceful but I really like to make people feel at ease if I can.
But then there's these choices:
Unpopular
Uninvolved
Unpredictable
Unaffectionate
I can't pick one. Normally I would say "unpopular." I am almost always involved in something (or too many things), I am fairly predictable and I have made great strides with being affectionate. Hmmmm.
Just my thoughts.... I'm trying to to label myself anymore and just be myself and let my friends be themselves. I'm going to try (really hard) not to over analyze my friends - who they are and why we're friends. So for now, here I am and I know who I am! I am a daughter, wife and mother. I am a person who enjoys baking, cooking and creating things. I am thoughtful, even if my thoughtfulness doesn't quite make it into action, I sincerely think about my friends and try to help. I do too much. I think I like having a martyr complex. I am artsy; I have good taste in colors and decorating. I am a good listener; I am a good friend. I calm down by venting. I love to play with my children. I enjoy small adventures. I hope someday to enjoy gardening, both flowers and vegetables! I hope to pick up scrapbooking again soon. I love my family. I love my close friends. I am selective with my friends and I will be loyal to those people.

Good Outside Pictures

2006-02-09T20:41:00.000-08:00

Why "How I Met Your Mother" Rocks:

2006-02-09T20:38:00.000-08:00

1) it appeals to a core purchasing demographic- young single adults ages 18-35
2) Cobie Smulders is believable as a yuppie enjoying life
3) Neil Patrick Harris is hilarious as the "playa" we all know but don't admit to
4) Alyson Hannigan - 'nuf said
5) the writing is great, but it really is the actors that pull it off
6) with Friends gone, there is literally NO competition for my attention or the space on the TiVo 7) the world will always need a sitcom that young adults to relate to, this one fills a void Joey couldn't
8) almost perfect scheduling - still in the "family hour" so there's no language to worry about and any innuendoes, while vague, are still funny
9) more perfect scheduling - wedged between CBS's solid sitcoms King of Queens and Two and a Half Men
10) the flow is all about story-telling, not about watching a drama unfold. It may be jumpy for some, but it feels like a conversation with a bunch of friends - all trying to tell their story on top of someone else yet all equally interesting.
11) closure from "Ross & Rachel". It's been almost 2 years since we watched their relationship finally solidify. There has been no one else to root for, to hope for, to wonder about. Now we all wonder "who is Ted going to end up with?" "Who is 'your mother' from the title?" We all get to root for Ted, just like that brother or friend who remains single & no one understands why.

THIS is why "How I Met Your Mother" rocks and should stay on the air as long as possible. But please, please, please don't move it to Thursday night!

Some decisions are personal

2006-01-16T14:10:00.000-08:00

Since I have two small children, one boy and one girl, I get a lot LOT of comments from perfect strangers. At every store, every outing, every errand someone feels the need to tell me that I sure have my hands full! Thanks. I didn't notice. I have gotten used to this comment and just smile & keep on my merry way. But the really annoying one that I am addressing right now is the "are you going to have more?" This one comes up slightly less often than the first, but I also get it from friends & family at social gatherings which makes it seem like I get it more often! So here is my public answer: it's none of your business.

Usually it seems that the motive for asking is 1) to validate their own reproductive choices or 2)being nosy. Thus the answer to the person asking because they are taking a very long, public and un-scientific poll is "none of your business." And the answer to the person asking because they are being nosy is "none of your business."

My children are small and they are both at difficult stages of life. My life and routines change to adapt to their needs and currently I am not ready for another baby. However, I don't know how I will feel in a year or two. I am not going to share my very personal decisions with the public any longer. We love our children and believe that they are a blessing. That's my public statement on this topic. End of discussion!

Chicken & Dumplings (low fat?)

2006-01-12T13:36:00.000-08:00

I had to add the question mark to the end because I don't know if it's a low fat recipe or not, it just seemed that way. I wanted to make chicken pot pie or chicken & dumplings but couldn't find a recipe that didn't ask for something weird so here is my mixed up version. Oh yeah, as usual, all measurements are approximate. :)

3 Large chicken breasts
4 c. water
1 med. onion sliced into quarters (reserve half)
5 baby carrots

Place all ingredients in a pot and bring to boil. Simmer until chicken looks ready to fall apart (about 1 hour). Strain chicken out of broth into a 2.5-3 quart casserole dish with a tight fitting lid. If necessary, tear apart chicken as you go! :)

Add to casserole dish:
2 c. frozen vegetables (peas, carrots, corn, beans, whatever)
1/2 medium onion (diced)
3 c. broth - or enough to cover ingredients
1 t. salt
1/2 t. pepper
1 t. celery salt (whoops, a little too much)
1 t. rosemary
1 t. thyme

Place in 350 degree oven until heated through & bubbling, about 30 min.

Add to dish:
1 pkg. Refrigerator Biscuits (Pillsbury Grands or whatever)
Spoon out as many biscuits as needed to completely cover chicken mixture and replace lid tightly. Follow package directions for baking time - approximately 10-15 minutes.

The broth certainly seemed to be lower in fat than what my other recipes had called for (butter, stewing an entire chicken, etc) so other than the biscuit dough, there wasn't much fat in there at all. Ended up with good flavor but needed more salt & pepper. Also didn't have enough room for all the biscuits in my dish so they were baked alongside and turned out to be a good "sweet" next to the "savory."
So that was my fun for the day!

Girl Stuff

2006-01-12T13:28:00.000-08:00

Warning: girl issues, those who can't relate should probably stop reading NOW. :)

Heads up - chocolate craving. A chocolate craving so intense I nearly ate half a pan of brownies to try & satisfy the aching, the longing, the strange hunger that isn't hunger! As the Weigh Down theory goes: my body must need something, that's why I'm craving it; go ahead and fill that craving until it's gone (eat 'til you don't want it anymore!) Since I seem to have grown a miniature fat- and calorie-counter in my brain I didn't actually do this! :) Why am I craving chocolate? And what was that strange stomach ache that suddenly afflicted me in the grocery store? No, it wasn't exactly near my stomach, it was more like (gasp!) contractions. Oh yeah.... I remember this feeling.... It's been a long time though.... No, AF hasn't arrived but it does appear that my body is re-regulating back to a cycle. Is this why I bought 3 candy bars & ate one before I got home; why I am tired and feeling a touch bloated? I haven't feel like this since July 2004! It's hard to remember all those PMS symptoms! :) (insert good-natured and not cranky giggle here)

Life is kickin' my .....

2006-01-09T08:10:00.000-08:00

Just kidding! I have felt like that off & on this past week. I'm sure a lot of it is the struggle to get back into our routine. I had a hard time getting laundry done, sorting the mail, having a dinner plan, just general staying ahead of the game. And to top it off, from out of nowhere, suddenly I began to go through friend withdrawal! Ha! I'm the kind of person that most big social situations are draining and I usually only do one a week or several small things. I can handle tea with a friend 3 times a week or 1 football party. This week I did several small things, recouped from our New Year's party, a football party, plus dinner w/ kids at a friend's house (they have kids too.) And all of a sudden on Saturday night, we looked at each other & said, "should we have someone over?" What has come over me? Or am I avoiding my chores (wink, wink)? At least this week I'm starting in a better place. The laundry is done (except for whites) and the kitchen is mostly squared away. One of these days I will get super inspired & clean the crazy corner of my bedroom, but not today. :)

Sleep Update

2006-01-09T07:53:00.000-08:00

Saturday-Sunday night Nina got up hungry every 2 hours for most of the night.
Bedtime was 7, got up crying around 8 (dirty diaper) fell asleep again soon after
Crying at 10, was nursed to sleep
Crying at 12, was nursed to sleep
Crying at 2, was nursed to sleep
Crying at 4, was nursed to sleep
Crying at 6:30, nursed & was up for the day

Sunday-Monday night Nina slept so much better!
Bedtime was 7, got up crying about 8:30 fell asleep again by 9
Crying at 11:30, was nursed to sleep (but also checked diaper & put in thicker jammies)
Crying at 4:30, was nursed to sleep
Crying at 6, went back to sleep on her own
Noise at 7 (probably playing), got up with her at 7:30

Now that is what she should be doing at this age! I really don't understand how she can be so hungry during the night. She is eating well during the day both nursing and babyfood, especially applesauce. She's pretty good at holding Cheerios & most of them make it into her mouth. David & I agree that one of these weekends soon we're going to have to make a big step & not nurse her during one of those feedings. She has really mastered a manipulative cry pattern - she can sound like she is stuck or panicking so someone to come get her but when I come & check, she's fine, just happy to see me! I see this tendency in other areas and hope that if we deal with it early it won't become a lifelong struggle.

Pondering...

2005-12-01T20:44:00.000-08:00

While my dear husband watches a movie I don't really care for I will take this opportunity to vent my ponderings. And I am truly using those two words intentionally! I think my ponderings have become too volumous for my brain to contain and I need to let them "air out."

Pondering Christmas... I read of a family that doesn't exchange presents. They enjoy the holiday(s) by spending time with those they love and baking or creating things for family & friends. After trying to squeeze in a trip to the mall today and walk out with only 1 item, this thought continues to gain popularity with me. Maybe it's because I'm frustrated with my kids' nap schedules. Maybe it's the distance to the mall. Maybe it's something else entirely. Hmmmm. I love to bake. And at my house I eat most of what I bake - amazing that I don't weigh 300 pounds by now. :) I have a friend that adores my banana bread. I don't know what's different about it, it's just the Betty Crocker recipe in the book. But because I know she loves it, I always make a 2nd loaf for her. In fact, I sometimes make it just because of her. Isn't that a pretty good gift? Warm banana bread and the warm feeling that someone was thinking about you & did something special just for you? Isn't that the same thing that we are doing with other gifts? On another side, I do love receiving gifts. My husband is a wonderful giver. He brought home a jazzy Christmas CD from Starbucks. I love it. He knows and remembers the little things and gives wonderful gifts because of that. I'm not naturally a "giver" most of the time. He has really brought it out the last few years. I know if we were to decide change the way we give gifts it would be a difficult decision for him.

On a lighter note... We were joking around in the kitchen and asking each other to choose between a food item and our spouse. Hmmmm! I asked if he would pick me over Taco Bell. I win! He said, "there's still Taco Time!" He asked if I would pick him over cookies. Oooooohhhh, no you didn't just go there! Ack! I know he makes me happy in ways cookies cannot. But if I were to choose cookies I would eternally regret it and also get really fat because I would try to replace him and the joy he brings me. Would he choose me over bean burritos? Yea, I win again! Would I choose him over peppermint mochas?? Yeah, he's worth it!

Back to Pondering - Cooking.... How is it possible that I can cook all the foods that go into a Thanksgiving dinner but mess up so many other dinners? I make great mashed potatoes. I can make "fresh" cranberry sauce. I have done a turkey (just not this year) and it turned out pretty good. My pies turned out PERFECT. And I'm not even bragging - I'm just as surprised as everyone else! Even after my bread disaster (was in the oven - still in the plastic - when I preheated the oven for pies), I felt so confident with all the things I made. But tonight I made spaghetti. Spaghetti is my back up dinner, I can make it from scratch without looking at a recipe. It's not perfected yet but it's pretty darn good. I thought I would try to thicken up the sauce by adding flour to the cooked ground beef & onions. But then I opened the wrong can - diced tomatoes instead of tomato sauce. That kind of messed it up. I added tomato sauce also and the big tomatoes tasted good. I was out of oregano. Hmmm, will extra basil make up for that? Probably not, so I tossed in "Italian Seasoning." Yes, I know that bottle has both basil & oregano in it. It turned out okay but all the ground beef seemed to be "gravy-ish." Whoops, probably not a good idea to add flour at that point. Probably should have tried to thicken with bread crumbs instead. Here's the pondering part: is this God's way to keeping me humble? Or should I stick to recipes? And read the recipe? And follow the recipe and not use it as a guideline? I don't know. I like recipes as guidelines - that's how my mom and grandma cook. Never ask my mom what a dish is called! It is always called what it is - chicken on rice with veggies, beef on pasta, chicken on pasta, beef on rice, pork on rice. Nevermind that the sauce could be literally anything: sweet & sour, teriyaki, marinara, alfredo, stroganoff, or a brand new one Mom made up!

Well, I have lost the rest of my ponderings so I will have to stop now. Perhaps I will sleep better tonight now that I have more room in my brain. :) Good night all...

Sleep, Glorious Sleep

2005-11-07T21:07:00.000-08:00

I know that this is pretty much the only topic I write about, but it's huge! Last time I posted, we were on a schedule that allowed me to get more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep. Wonderful. However, almost right after I said that, she changed again. Suddenly she was falling asleep nursing and staying asleep through the transfer to the crib and awaking every 3 hours for the rest of the night. I assumed she was hungry - and most of the time she was. But a few days ago she wasn't really hungry at 10 pm or 1 am; she only nursed for a few minutes and was quickly asleep. Hmmmmm, could she be ready to consolidate her night feedings? I hope I hope I hope I hope! So last night we let her cry at 11 pm. She cried for about half an hour before I decided to feed her. (See Nina's blog for doctor's appointment and development news.) It was late already and I'm having problems sleeping now too. :) I just can't seem to wind down. And - funny story - I took a bath well before bed, nearly fell asleep a few times in the water but once I was in bed I was awake! Well, she's finally asleep again (cried for 45 minutes tonight). Maybe she will sleep a little harder this stretch. Here's hoping!

More Sleep!

2005-10-28T13:59:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted anything here. For good reason! We honestly tried NCSS for a good long time. While naps steadily improved, the nights never really changed and then one day the grace and patience was gone. David has been a huge help lately, taking over the "listening" times so I could catch just a few more winks. My mom & sister came over for a few days and I really got caught up by the end of their visit. I don't feel rested when I get up, but I'm so much more normal now! Here's what several nights looked like while they were here:
7:00 begin bedtime routine (bath, massage, jammies, nurse)
8:00 fell asleep nursing, placed in crib
9:00 woke up crying, was comforted then cried for an hour (don't worry, she was checked on often!)
10:00 fell asleep without nursing, without pacifier!
4:00 am woke up to nurse & fall asleep immediately
8:00 woke up for the day, happy & content!

Something changed when my mom left and the last few nights have been a little more interesting:
7:00 begin bedtime routine
8:00 placed in crib awake (she just stopped falling asleep while nursing)
9:00 fell asleep without pacifier or nursing
3:00 am woke up to nurse
6:00 woke up to nurse
8:00 woke up for the day (happy, content, quiet!)

I have to say that although the crying is difficult, it has been worth it. Her attitude in general is improving. My mom encouraged me to leave the kids with her several times (I nearly went into shock without them) and Nina tolerated her just fine.
To Do: get Nina used to other caregivers (especially relatives & favorite babysitters), wean Nina from Mama's hip, help Nina find things to soothe herself (pacifiers, lovies, thumb or fingers).

Day 8 Evaluation

2005-10-17T14:46:00.000-07:00

Here is the log I kept from Nina's first night on NCSS:

Bedtime: 8:30 (had been 10pm)
Wakings: 8:40-9:00, 9:55-10:05, 1:35-1:50am, 5:05-5:25, 7:30 up for the day. Each waking (except 9:55) she nursed back to sleep.
Night Wakings: 4 Longest sleep span: 3.5 hrs Total sleep: 9 hours, 50 min.
*Comments: This was actually a very good night. Often she would also wake frequently (every few minutes) between 10 & 1:30.
**Problems addressed: 1) nursing to sleep, 2) frequent & short day naps, 3) late bedtime. Methods: 1) Changed day sleep cues - car, stroller, dancing; 2) began using Gentle Removal Plan for nursing to sleep, introduced lovie & binky at night; 3) tried bedtime as early as 6 pm rather than 3rd nap.

Log from 10/16 (Day 7)

Bedtime: 6:45
Wakings: 7:30-7:45, 8-8:10, 8:13-8:35, 8:45-9:15, 9:25-9:40, 1:15-1:30 am, 4:54-5:19, 5:22-5:28, 5:30-5:35, 7:45 up for the day. Most wakings she was comforted by a binky & rocking. Four times she nursed back to sleep (including 1 & 5 am which would be normal feedings anyway).
Night Wakings: 9 Longest sleep span: 3 hours, 35 min. Total hours of sleep: 10 hours, 37 min.
*Comments: This was one of the worse nights in the week. I had kept her up late on 10/15 so the 6:30 bedtime may have been quite a shock to her. Probably should have tried to ease her back into the early bedtime. Also, let her cry for about 5 minutes during the 8:45 waking. She didn't seem to be comforted by anything I did.
**Progress: She now takes 2 good naps, each usually 1 hour or more. Although Will wakes her up a lot. Removal Plan is working slowly. After 5-10 attempts to remove her, she will finally sleep but often w/ a binky.
***Problems: 1) may not be ready for such an early bedtime, 2) frequent night wakings(!), 3) day time sleep still not what she needs. Methods: 1) try for 3rd nap around 5 or 6 pm & an 8 or 9 pm bedtime, 2) introduced solids this week but she insists on blowing raspberries in it. Not much is going down.

Overall Evaluation: There seems to be an AMAZING grace on me & my patience to do this . I am definitely aware & questioning "what am I teaching her?" "What does she need to learn here?" There are a few issues that are unique to her that NCSS won't address, and so we will be modifying our approach. It's not just about her & my sleep. It's also about her attitude & patterns we are teaching her to expect. (So if anyone is reading this as results from strict adherence to NCSS, that's not quite what we're doing.) Bottom line is I am happy w/ her day times, if only her nights were so easy!

Saturday Night, Sunday Naps

2005-10-16T17:26:00.000-07:00

Ok, I messed up her bed time because we went out w/ friends last night. I was hoping to start her bedtime routine while watching a movie w/ my friend but she would not do it. On the plus side: she fell asleep in the car on the way home from the restaurant. Asleep in the car & in the dark! Hasn't happened in months! So we got a late start on bedtime....

Night Waking Log
Fell asleep nursing at 11 pm
1:00-1:20, woke up crying, fell asleep nursing (probably would've gone back to sleep w/ a binky)
3:30-4:00, woke up crying, fell asleep nursing after attempting the binky
7:45 am, up for the day

Nap Log
11am - 12:00 pm, fell asleep on my lap w/ binky, slept in church crib (had to wake her up to nurse before leaving church)
2:30-3:40, fell asleep nursing (she didn't nurse well earlier), slept in crib

Overall, I am pleased w/ her naps. They are better in length and consistency. I'll keep my formal NCSS log tonight & tomorrow, our 7th day on this plan.

Friday Night, Saturday Naps

2005-10-15T15:54:00.000-07:00

Night Log:
7:30 pm, fell asleep nursing
8:30, woke up crying, tried binky/dancing/burping, nursed to sleep
9:30, woke up crying, tried binky/dancing/burping & nursing, still awake.... let her cry for a few minutes, tried to comfort her for about 10 minutes, let her cry again, etc.
10:30, Daddy takes over, rocks & cuddles her
11:00, Mama comes back, nurses to sleep
11:30, woke up crying, burped, fell asleep
4:44 am, woke up, nursed to sleep but continued to wake up & burp every few minutes until 5:30
8:30 am up for the day

Naps:
10:30ish, was groggy, Mama attempted to put her in bed. Oops, second wind came & I missed the window of opportunity!
11:00 am, tiredness returns, let her cry in crib (I sat on the floor) for a few minutes, wasn't comforted by me holding her so I let her cry a little more & tried again, etc.
11:30-12:45, slept in crib
3:30-5?, fell asleep in my arms (after crying a few minutes in the crib), slept in crib

Nina's Sleep...

2005-10-15T15:45:00.000-07:00

From today through Sunday I will be focusing a lot of effort to change Nina's sleep patterns. Last Sunday I began following a plan laid out in "The No-Cry Sleep Solution." I haven't seen the success I was hoping for with her night time wakings. A big part of the problem is her habit of falling asleep while nursing. Today we began a concentrated effort to change that. Usually she will start her morning by eating and then staying awake (& working very hard to stay awake) until the next feeding time. Then she falls asleep & the pattern is set for the day. Our first change today was when she began to get tired I held her (without a pacifier but with her lovie) and put her in her crib just before she truly fell asleep. Good start. :) Next nap time approached and Will needed to get outside anyway, so we took a walk. We were outside probably 30 minutes before she finally fell asleep, even with all the noise and jostling. Great, two in a row! I'll be charting her progress here whenever it is worth the effort.

Naps Today (Friday):
8 am- 9:30, fell asleep being held, slept in crib
11:30 am - 12:30, fell asleep in stroller, slept in carseat
EDIT
Can't remember her last nap of the day. Whatever it was, I expected her to get tired again at 6:30 so getting her into bed by 7 wouldn't be hard. What I didn't expect was for David to get home really late & I had already put both kids in the bathtub. Kind of hectic for a while.

Pumpkins!

2005-10-13T13:57:00.000-07:00

Oct 1 022
Originally uploaded by Nickie R.

We went to a pumpkin patch last Saturday as a family. Nina doesn't really fit into her warm clothes yet so she had a lot of layers on. This is really posted for Auntie Ty who bought the outfit she was wearing that day. Thanks Auntie Ty Ty!

Great Recipe

2005-10-05T14:34:00.000-07:00

Make a great recipe the other day. It was based on Taco-Filled Pasta Shells but I used elbow macaroni instead. It was very good and AMAZINGLY it not only filled 3 adults, but actually seemed to make about 6-8 servings. (Two of my adult diners are big eaters.) See Taco-Filled Pasta Shells (7/6/05; no I don't know how to link a previous post) for the actual ingredients. The process is what I changed...

Brown ground beef, add Taco seasoning & water as usual.
Add 1 can of refried beans and 1 c. salsa to cooked meat, mix together and heat through.
Cook 1 lb. elbow macaroni in 4 qt. pot.
Drain pasta, return to pot and stir in 1 c. salsa.
Add meat mixture to pasta, stir together.
Serve from pot, garnish with shredded cheddar or sour cream.

This gave me the complete control of WHO had dairy in their dinner. I suppose it would have been very good to mix the cheese in with the meat & all the rest, but then I would've had to eat it too. Adding it at the end was fine and everyone liked it. Goal: stretch 1 lb of ground beef through 2 meals for 4 adults. Result: Large quantity of leftovers, seemed to be roughly 6-8 servings all together, everyone was both full and happy. Mission accomplished!

Someday I'll....

2005-09-08T20:11:00.000-07:00

My dream of an ideal week:

Each day spend a minimum of 1 hour alone w/ each child
5 days a week cook a meal (full dinner w/ veggies, protein & carbs) (cook time is approx 1 hour each day)
Spend no more than 2 hours planning said meals
No more than 2 shopping trips (4 hours max) finding groceries for said meals
Have someone over for dinner once a week minimum (approx. 3 hours not including cleaning the house)
Maintain order in the house (1 hour daily)
Clean said house (2 hours weekly)
Scrapbook every other week for 2 hours (uninterrupted!)
Email & blog daily, minimum of 15 minutes, maximum 1 hour
Go shopping just for fun or spend time with friends, 1 hour daily as a guideline, max is 4 hours per week (Sometimes one big outing will fill that need for fresh air & fellowship & leave me gasping for some solitary time!)
Alone time w/ husband 1 hour daily minimum
SUBTOTAL: 30 hours

Other chores that could possibly be done better or quicker with greater organization:
Laundry = 5 hours per week max
Changing Diapers = 5 hours per week max (this wouldn't be so much but Nina's spitting up requires several clothes changes for her and often for me too!)
Other "maintain order" duties such as dishes, sweeping, wiping, mopping, etc = 1 hour per day, max!
SUBTOTAL: 15 hours

Total: 45 hours in one week.

Then there's the sometimes list:
a date night once a month (2-3 hours without kids)
seeing my family or in-laws (some weekly, some monthly)
time to paint the guest room, bathroom & master
gardening, cooking for fun (cookies!), taking more pictures of things other than my kids,
reading a magazine uninterupted, sewing.

And lastly, there's the someday list:
Learn to quilt, take a tap class, keep a separate scrapbook for each child, teach my daughter to cook, teach my son to do laundry...

I'd better write these down so I don't forget. In ten years I will have different priorities and a different kind of schedule with different responsibilities. It will be interesting to see how my someday wish list changes or has things crossed off!

I finally tried to make enchiladas...

2005-08-29T14:31:00.000-07:00

Don't lose or forget this recipe!

from can of La Victoria's Enchilada Sauce:

4 corn tortillas
3 oz shredded mild cheddar cheese
3 oz shredded Montery Jack cheese
1/4 c. chopped yellow onion
1 T. oil (for frying - might be less)
1 can (10 oz) La Victoria Enchilada Sauce

Preheat oven to 350*. Heat oil in skillet over medium heat. Fry each tortilla 3 seconds per side. Drain on paper towels. Mix the two shredded cheeses together and set aside 2 oz cheese. Pour a small amount of enchilada sauce in a shallow pan. Coat both sides of the torilla in the enchilada sauce. Fill each tortilla with 1 oz of cheese, 1 T. onion and 1 T. sauce. Roll tortillas and place seam side down in casserole dish. Pour remaining sauce over enchiladas and sprinkle the remaining cheese over the top. Bake at 350* for 15 min. Remove from oven and cool for 5 min before serving.
Serves 2-3

My notes: I used 6 tortillas (easier to split for 3 adults). Added cooked chicken to all tortillas, no cheese on two (for me!) My onion wasn't chopped small enough to some bites were more onion than chicken - ewwwww. Otherwise a very good and simple recipe. I had two enchiladas left over but were quickly eaten the next day. :)
BUT Nina got fussy two days after eating this. It may have been too spicy for her, or it was the pepperoni pizza we had the day before she became fussy. Hmmmm. Probably won't try this one again until we find the root of the fussiness.

Hi Renne'!

2005-08-28T13:06:00.000-07:00

My good friend Renne' Gilliam is almost done with her year in South Africa, but she has FINALLY begun a blog! There is a link to her page on the sidebar. Check it out & you've got to see her pictures!!

7 Secrets of Calm Moms

2005-08-16T14:18:00.000-07:00

This article was published in Parenting, September 2004. I've kept it around as a reminder.

1. Figure out what sets you off
2. Don't take it personally
3. Ask for what you really need
4. Don't leave your home without portable entertainment
5. Count to ten... and back again
6. Gain some perspective
7. Stop beating yourself up

Here is each point explained but in my own words

1. "A mom meltdown doesn't appear out of nowhere." I am impatient when: it's raining, I'm in a hurry, have a headache, or feel helpless. What can I do to prevent or alleviate these? A) carry an umbrella in the car, B) allow more time than I think I need, C) carry Extra-Strength Tylenol in my purse, D) ask God for help!

2. When a child is crying in the store or someone needs discipline I try to remember that other kids do this too. This time it's mine, next time it might be yours. When I see other kids act up or babies crying, I USUALLY don't judge the parent. And my friends (who have normal children too) are very gracious & understanding. I try to be that for them (or strangers.)

3. What can make me happy (or calm?) I can't ask Will to be perfect or to stop what he's doing. Both of those are completely foreign concepts to him. But I can redirect his focus; help him change activities. Worst case scenario I have to be honest with David and not an impatient, emotional mess. If I need time alone to process or pray or cry I need to say so.

4. The title seemed misleading the first time but it really is practical. Will is not entertained by finger puppets but he does like books, cars and baby's rattles.

5. For me, this is knowing when to freak out and when not to, very similar to number six.

6. Two ways to see this: 1) knowing the difference between inconvenience and catastrophe, and 2) knowing that these struggles will not last forever. Sharpie on my beautiful island, lotion puddles on the carpeted stairs, water spills. The Sharpie incident required discipline (he knows he's not supposed to open that drawer) but it could've been scissors. The lotion was an accident and luckily it didn't leave a stain. Water spills are inconvenient for sure, especially when I find them with my socks. But we have been blessed and protected from so many other accidents. My mom encourages me often with "he won't go to college like this." It reminds me that we are training him for the future but also that somethings will take time. The truth is that he won't go to college with his pacifier or not knowing how to take a nap. He won't go to college still wearing a diaper.

7. "Calm moms don't keep track of mistakes." So maybe he watched too much TV the other day, or I lost it & it upset him. Maybe my heart wasn't in the right place when I disciplined him. I have to move on. Fix or change the root of the problem (when it's mine!) and get ready for tomorrow.

Tiredness & Maturity

2005-08-16T13:41:00.000-07:00

I was at the neighbor's house a few nights ago and Nina was fighting sleep. Very normal for her age. She was arching her back and crying, very obviously frustrated. Someone made a comment like "why do we have to be adults before we can admit that we're tired?" So true. My baby doesn't want to miss what's going on, she doesn't want to sleep, she is soooo tired but isn't mature enough to recognize it. Will is only a little further down that path. When he's overtired every little thing will set him off. I read several books on sleep habits and the most useful thing I gleaned is this: catch them BEFORE they're overtired. That's easy with Nina - she has the usual sleepy cues of rubbing her eyes or ears or just zoning. Will has NO cues. He goes from being a happy kid who is playing well to a tired little guy who isn't sure what to do with himself very quickly. Unfortunately it is a slippery slope at that point. He can very quickly disintegrate into an overtired fit. Right now it is 2 o'clock, a while past his old nap time (he used to go down at 1 pm.) We realized that scheduling nap times by the clock was part of our problem. Some days he got to play most of the morning and was tired at noon. Other days we went grocery shopping and he might not get tired until 2. My hope is that by this time next year we will be a little more scheduled. He will recognize numbers then. When he's good at that I want to put a digital clock in his room with other clocks nearby indicating when is a good time to get out of bed in the morning and quiet time. I really don't think he'll be taking naps much longer. They're hit & miss right now. He certainly needs the extra sleep!
Anyway, back to my point. It's so common for kids to resist naps and bedtimes. Even sweet, accomodating kids ask to stay up sometimes. Where is that magic moment of maturity? I'm trying to remember.... When did I become old enough to WANT to go to bed? When did I realize that when I stay up I still have to get up in the morning? Was it high school? Was it my first 5-day a week job? Was it when I had to be responsible - when others depended on me? Was it the kids? I can't remember.

Session Cooking?

2005-08-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

As the school year is coming up I have been thinking about ways to save time. (Funny that this seems to be timed with the school year, though - almost nothing in my life and schedule will change the first week of September....) Anyway, I have been searching for some menu planning tools. I found software and charts and a lot of time-saving recipes. One plan was for a way to use 35 pounds of ground beef! Wow! If I had another freezer I would have room for this. But not now. I have probably about 8-10 pounds of frozen hamburger and a couple pork chops in there now. I'm just thinking out loud now, but maybe if Will was with Grandma for a whole day I would do this "session cooking" thing. But then where would I put it all?

Niks Piks 2

2005-08-11T14:21:00.000-07:00

Just some good pictures taken during Tacoma's Tall Ships Festival....

And two cutie pies!

So many thoughts....

2005-08-03T18:06:00.000-07:00

.... so little time! I have had some really good and serious questions that all deserve some attention, some time meditating and contemplating, some exploring, some writing and some prayer. But it has been so crazy lately! Sometime I will find a moment to do this. Until then, keep visiting my Xanga page.... http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=nickieroo

Little Boys

2005-07-25T13:44:00.000-07:00

Mamas of little boys never forget certain moments. The first time they kicked in utero and gave us a sense of their personality. The first time they had hiccups and it hurt every bone and organ in our bodies. The moment of their birth, with the warm little body finally making its entrance. The first time they sit or crawl or roll over, each one uniquely spectacular. And then the big one comes: they walk. A few halting steps, a few bumps, a few sudden sits, a few smiles, a few tears, and then they walk. It's just a matter of time (days, probably) until they learn to walk faster. And then life changes. Most of the big physical milestones are met and mamas now belong to an elite and demanding physical trainer who is less then 3 feet tall. Chasing, chasing, chasing. Discipline, hugs, maybe a cold or the flu will slow him down? Maybe. They are so independent but still want their mama. A hug for the owie, help finding that certain car, making a snack for that ever hungry little man. And soon they talk. I hear that most boys (like mine) choose really important first words: truck, rock, car, Dada. Mama is always there so she doesn't need a word, does she? But he comes to me to snuggle, to warm up, to cry, to complain. Recently he started calling Mama? when I was leaving his bedroom - a plea to turn around to stay. I can't help but look. Does he need me or is he delaying bedtime? Have to check. Soon he will understand emotions. I'm looking forward to the first time he says "I love you." He will probably say it to something or someone else first, but when it's my turn it will make my whole day brighter.

For Nina Dian Robbs

2005-07-22T22:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Nina,
Sometimes when I look at you I can hardly believe that you're really here. Just one year ago I began to hope for you. Another baby, maybe even a girl? And now you're here. Flesh and blood and as cute as can be. I like to think that maybe you look like me even though we don't. But you have my hair and skin. We'll just see about the rest. There are so many things I told your brother when he was a baby and now I'll tell you the same ones. You are loved. You are wanted. God knew that your daddy & I needed a sweet little girl full of grace to be in our family. You bring joy to everyone that knows you. You are a wonderful baby. Your smile makes everyone around you smile back. You are my favorite little Nina. No one will ever be a better Nina than you are. You are so special. You already love your brother and you laugh at him all the time. When he was a baby I dubbed him my Mini Muffin - my little Mini Blueberry Muffin. And now he is bigger and isn't a mini muffin anymore, he's a big Blueberry Muffin. That makes you the new mini muffin. I wondered while I was pregnant what kind of muffin you would be. Would you be apple or currant, spice or carrot cake muffin? It turns out that you are my Mini coffee Cake Muffin. The kind of little tiny muffin that is all brown sugar and goodness with streusel topping drizzled all over for good measure. I can't wait to see how that is played out in your life. Last summer I prayed almost every night for God to give us another baby. There were tears and questions, hopes and longings. When we discovered we were pregnant with you I cried. I cried for joy. In December we found out you were a girl - our little Nina Dian. We had a boy's name for back up but we knew you were a girl already. Nina was the only name that fit you. Grace Divine. Several months later we cried and prayed for you to be born. I believe God picked the day for you to arrive, He just didn't tell me when it was. You were such a big baby and you kicked so hard! Once I think you cracked one of my ribs (well, badly bruised for sure.) I became so uncomfortable at the end but it seemed you would never come. As I put your clothes away and waited for you I would tell you about all the pretty things that were waiting for you. Shoes, hats, headbands, dresses, jammies, socks, all specially picked out just for you. Since Will came 10 days after his due date we calculated that for you. That day was Thursday, May 5, 2005. That was also the National Day of Prayer. Since Grandma & Grandpa Robbs, Auntie Manders and Daddy were all involved in that I was hoping that you would come early that morning so everyone could be there. But no, God knew it just wouldn't work the way I thought it would. Labor began early the next morning, about 3 am. You were so ready to come out & greet us, you arrive just 5 hours later. I love you. You are unique and special. You may someday think that I don't love you as much as I love Will but that is not true. God gives me a special love that is just for him and He gives me a special love just for you. They're a little different, they are expressed differently because you two are different and have different needs. You are my first daughter. You are my Gracie Girl. No one will ever be that. Even if you end up with 10 sisters, you will always be unique and loved uniquely. If you end up with 10 brothers you will know how unique you are every day! I pray now that you will always know that your daddy and I love you and that God loves you. You were a twinkle in His eye before you were a twinkle in mine. Someday soon we'll talk about that, and about so many other things. I look forward to a lifetime of being your mama.
Love,
Mama

Spicy Chicken Gumbo

2005-07-12T15:13:00.000-07:00

Tried it again recently, see notes at bottom...
From More-With-Less Cookbook by Doris Janzen Longacre

Serves: 8
Plan 1 hour for cooking, maybe more for prep

Saute' in large, heavy kettle:
1/4 c. oil
2 onions, sliced
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 green pepper, diced

Blend in: 2 T. flour
Cook and stir over low heat until vegetables are tender.

Add:
2 1/2 c. cooked tomatoes
2 c. cooked okra (optional!)
2/3 c. tomato paste
3 c. broth or stock
1 1/2 T. salt
1/4 t. pepper
1 1/2 T. Worcestershire sauce
1/8 t. ground cloves
1/2 t. chili powder
pinch dried basil
1 whole bay leaf

Simmer 1 hour. Start cooking rice.

1/3 c. fresh parsley, chop & set aside

Add to gumbo:
2-3 c. cooked chicken, diced

Simmer briefly. To serve, combine hot cooked rice with chopped parsley and mound rice in center of soup bowls using ice-cream scoop. Pour hot gumbo all around.

My notes:
So after trying this again after a couple years it turned out really good. Good enough that David said we could have this all the time - and that's quite a complement! I used 2 huge chicken breasts and cooked them in the morning, cut up & put in the fridge. I was trying for a half recipe but made enough chicken for a whole.
Used one diced tomato instead of cooked tomatoes, 1 can of tom. paste (was too much), 1 can of chicken broth and had to add water later. Did NOT have ground cloves or fresh parsley or whole bay leaf. Chopped dry bay leaf seemed to be ok. Oh yeah, and I didn't measure most of the seasonings beside Worc. sauce. :)

Chinese Noodle Slaw

2005-07-12T15:02:00.000-07:00

Another cabbage recipe... a lot like the other one....

Serves: 4-6
Prep: 10-15 min
Cool: 20 min +

1 head cabbage, chopped
5 green onions
2 pkg uncooked noodles (Ramen noodles best)
1/2 c. butter
1 T. sesame seeds
1/2 c. slivered almonds

1/2 c. oil
1 t. soy sauce
1/3 c. sugar
1/3 c. vinegar (white or cider, it doesn't matter)

Directions: chop cabbage and onions, toss together in a large bowl. Saute' noodles in melted butter, add nuts & seeds until lightly browned, drain. Mix dressing ingredients in plastic container, close with lid and shake well to mix. Toss everything together, cover and let sit for 20 minutes. Refrigerate if longer than 20 minutes. Really good the next day!

Main dish: Lemon Pepper Barbecued Chicken
Other side: Rolls, rice, or fruit

Chicken Cabbage Salad

2005-07-12T14:31:00.000-07:00

Serves 2-4
Prep: 10 min
Chill: 30 min +

1 fried chicken breast, cut into chunks
1/2 c. almonds (optional)
1/2 head cabbage, chopped and shredded
2 T. sesame seeds
1 pkg. Chicken Ramen noodles

2 T. sugar
1/2 c. oil
3 T. white vinegar
1 seasoning packet from Ramen
1 t. salt
1/2 t. pepper
1 t. Dijon mustard
1 t. cilantro (optional, fresh is best)

Directions: Cut raw chicken breast into bite size pieces and brown in frying pan. I usually sprinkle with garlic salt and black pepper while they're cooking. Chop or shred cabbage, it may look like a lot but it will shrink with the dressing. Brown seed and almonds in oven for 10-15 min at 400. For sauce toss ingredients in a plastic container with lid, seal and shake until well mixed. Drizzle over cabbage, nuts, seeds and crushed Ramen noodles. Toss, cover and refrigerate for 30 minutes. Place cooked chicken in dressing container, cool in fridge. To serve toss chicken with everything else.

Side Dish: Kaiser rolls, sourdough bread, Rice a Roni

My Notes: I used a whole head of lettuce and 3 chicken breasts to feed 4 people and had 2 portions of leftovers. But there did seem to be way more lettuce than we wanted. Maybe next time I'll use 3/4 of a head with 3 chicken breasts. Also, my husband doesn't usually like cabbage but he likes this one.

Taco-Stuffed Pasta Shells

2005-07-06T16:23:00.000-07:00

(from Very Best Baby booklet)

Prep: 20 min (ha!)
Bake: 40 min
Makes 2 8x8 (2 qt.) pans (ha!)

16 jumbo dried pasta shells, prepared according to package; rinsed and drained
1 lb extra-lean ground beef
1 pkg (3 T) taco seasoning mix
1 c. water
1 can (16 oz) refried beans
1 cup (4 oz) shredded cheddar cheese (reserve 3/4 c.)
1 jar (16 oz) salsa (reserve 1/2 c.)
1/4 c. sliced green onions
Sour Cream (optional)

Directions:
Cook noodles as directed on package (may take 15 min.)
Brown & drain beef in lg skillet. Add taco seasoning mix and water, cook over low heat for 5 minutes or until thickened. Add beans and 3/4 c. cheese. OR add beans and split in half, adding cheese to one. Mix well.
Spread 1/4 c. salsa over bottom of both 8x8 baking dishes.
Note: perhaps up to 1/3 c.
Fill cooled pasta shells with meat mixture; place 8 shells in each dish filled side up.
Note: I used 24 shells to fill my two 2 qt. shells, and still had meat leftover. Perhaps a larger pasta shell is needed.
Spoon remaining salsa over shells.
>>>Stop here if freezing<<<<
If baking immediately - Preheat oven to 350. Cover baking dish w/ foil. Bake 40-45 minutes or until heated through. Sprinkle with green onions and remaining (3 1/4 c.) cheese. Obviously, if you've just stuffed the shells w/ hot meat, this won't take as long.
If freezing - cover baking dish wish plastic wrap, then foil. Label and freeze for up to 2 months.

To bake frozen shells: Thaw dish in refrigerator overnight. Preheat oven to 375. Remove plastic wrap then recover w/ foil. Bake for 45-50 min or until heated through. Sprinkle w/ green onions and cheese.

Nutrition facts per serving: 347 cal, 13 g total fat, 32 g total carb, 5 g fiber, 4 g sugar, 21 g protein.

Some other notes: Supposedly each dish feeds 4 people. That's only 2 shells per person by their calculations which makes me think they must be using much larger shells, although I bought the biggest ones I could find. Since I don't eat dairy but everyone else does, I pointed my non-dairy shells toward the handles and then marked the foil with that note so I would remember. The rest of the shells were filled with the cheese & meat mixture & faced the opposite direction. No one wanted the sour cream topping, so that was easy to avoid. Kind of spicy for me even with mild salsa. But everyone else loved it so it's a keeper!

Niks Piks 1

2005-07-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

New Recipe!

2005-07-01T08:46:00.000-07:00

I found & tried a new recipe last night - Taco Stuffed Pasta Shells. It turned out good but I am making some adjustments to the recipe. I'll post it later.

Pondering Again

2005-06-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

So I'm continuing to ponder the issues surrounding being a hostess and a guest. So now I'm browsing etiquette pages to try and find answers. Hmmm. Last night I was a dinner guest at the home of people I didn't know personally, only through others. I was nervous and uncomfortable to start but meeting the hosts helped, and of course time. When I left I had questions circling my brain again & again like airplanes waiting to land in the fog. Did I thank them for the invitation? Did I complement the cook? Several people offered to hold the baby - did I accept their offer graciously or did I come across as an overprotective mom who won't let anyone hold the baby? (Although I did let several people help.) One thing I know I want to train my children is to properly RSVP. Right now I try to respond the day I get an invitation or, if I truly don't know, set a reminder in Outlook for a week before the date. Since I started setting reminders I haven't forgotten to call. So something works.
Hmmmm. Pondering, pondering. I'm throwing a party later this week & I'm already nervous about being the hostess again. I have a to-do list and a to-buy list and I hope I don't forget something. Cake, citronella candles just in case it's nice, card/gift, drinks, utensils, atmosphere, clean the house, etc. It's the etc. that is bothering me. Last minute things will happen and are unavoidable. But I like to try!
This one was fun: http://www.etiquettehell.com/

New Pictures

2005-06-27T07:05:00.000-07:00

Here's a little project for Renne' and Malinda: whose feet are who's?

Just trying out the picture function...

Here's a clue: Amanda, Nancy, Jenny, Nichole, Fara, Meridee, Kwi Hyung, Patty & Kim are your options

Non-Dairy main dishes

2005-06-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

Since having Nina, I have been on a non-dairy diet. It's healthier for me (I have a milk sensitivity anyway) and she is less fussy. But it's been really hard to give up a lot of the main dishes I used to make. Many of them were a white sauce or called for a cream of ** soup. So, as a reminder to myself that there are other dishes out there, here they are...

Burritos or Tacos (build your own, so cheese is optional)
Pork fried rice/Chicken fried rice
Tuna sandwiches
Teriyaki chicken & rice
Sweet & Sour anything & rice
Spaghetti
Pancakes/Waffles
Omelettes (again, they're individual so those who want cheese can have it)
Chicken Italian Wrap (chicken caesar salad with a twist)
Barbecued chicken with rice pilaf
Oven-fried or baked chicken with baked potatoes
Chicken Kiev also with baked or mashed potatoes

I'm kind of out of ideas right now. Most recipes I usually like for the crock pot have cream cheese or milk. My husband's favorite is a simple hamburger casserole with cream of mushroom soup & tater tots. Oh well, no can do. Pizza, our absolute favorite, is also just about impossible to do without cheese. If anyone has some good ones, I'd love to hear it.

Houseguests

2005-06-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

I've had a string of houseguests for the last two months. Some were relatives, some were friends. Some were a joy to have and hardly any work at all. Others were, hmmm how to say this nicely, a drain to me and my husband and it was work to "entertain" them all the time.
Let me skip to two recent guests, I'll call them A & B. Both are very old friends, both are fairly close. A asks if they can do anything before they do it and then washes the dishes right after they make anything. B does nothing until we ask if they want something and then gets waited on. B will "hang out with us" in the living room until we go to bed. A will go to bed at their usual bed time or even sense that we're tired and just go. B doesn't say "please" or "thank you", apparently thinking that the initial "thank you for letting me stay here" does it for several days. A says "please", "would you mind if", and "thank you" for almost everything they do. It almost gets annoying but it is nice that they notice the extra lengths that we are going to for them. Both are familiar, but I enjoy A's familiarity and I feel taken advantage of with B. While I can't do anything right now it brings up questions for me to answer. What kind of guest am I? Do I come across needy, haughty, ungrateful and inappropriately familiar? Or do I enjoy the benefits of familiarity while expressing gratefulness in both word and deed? Is there an inbetween or is A the perfect houseguest? Some of it is definitely personality and I don't think I can completely copy A's manner of making themselves at home and still communicating gratefulness all the time. But B just drives me crazy. By the second night I almost couldn't speak to them because I was so tired (of their company, from my day, of entertaining...) I'd like to put a few questions out there, maybe someone else has a suggestion or maybe I'll discover the answer.
1) what is too familiar?
2) how often should one express gratitude?
3) can I tell a guest that they have worn out their welcome?
4) is it okay to do dishes at someone else's house?
5) what am I teaching my kids, or what WILL I teach my kids?
6) do I have to confront B & tell them (next time) why I don't want to host them? Or can I get away with a "it just doesn't work for us right now" cop out?
Just venting and working it all out as usual....

Welcome

2005-06-04T15:50:00.000-07:00

Welcome, welcome to the very first post at Niks Piks. I really don't know yet what this blog will become. One idea is for this to become my idea spot, a place to share ideas for becoming a better wife and mother. Cooking, sewing, cleaning, childcare philosophies or much more? Another idea is for this to be the beginning place to launch Niks Piks, an online gallery of my very best digital photography and images. Who knows? Right now I just have to get more comfortable with this format. Thanks for visiting!