Heavy

Okay, since apparently I need to be even more transparent and honest... here goes...

I feel HEAVY!!  My body, my gut, my heart feel so heavy right now.  I feel I never get to enjoy anything.  I'm dragging physically, as if I need a nap, or exercise, or something to perk me up.  But whatever it is, it won't work, it won't happen, so I'll put on my happy face & fake it for the next 8 hours.  And apparently I'm too good at faking it because people think that's really me. 
My eyes hurt.  I just want to cry so they will stop hurting.  But if I cry, what if I can't stop?  And then my face will be red & puffy & I'll have to redo my make up and if I start crying now...  I may not be able to stop.  It'll be like AJ's birthday all over again.  Where I cry all day off & on.  And can't snap out of it.  So it's better if I don't start.
My Strength is sufficient for you.  Yes, I lean on this quite frequently.  But that doesn't mean I need to give into this weakness.  HE will get me through the rest of the day.
What about tomorrow?  Ahhhh, don't worry about tomorrow, each day has enough trouble of it's own.  And that's the Bible, not a melancholy pessimist! Matt 6:34
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  Php 4:6
But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil on. 2 Thess 3:3
Casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you. 1Peter 5:7
And the heaviness lifts.  A little.  Enough to soldier on.

An Evaluation

I saw my counselor today.  We had a good 4 months this winter and she helped me break down some overwhelming problems into bite size chunks.  I thought I was doing great.  But I've noticed some things over the last little bit that were really bothering me. 

I went to complain that I'm frequently overwhelmed, frustrated in photography and business, nothing is working out, I'm not eating well, I haven't made the doctors appointments I should have, my trouble with babysitters, how I don't want to be around people even people that I know & love, anxiety over hosting family get togethers and how weird that is, and how I nearly missed my 3 year olds birthday dinner. I went in just wanting an ear and a shoulder to cry on. But I could have done that with any friend and my sweet husband. But I had this gut feeling that this was something bigger. Because I've already cried over all these things with and to my husband. My sister and parents have already heard some of these complaints. Why burden them again and again?

She thinks I need depression medication. 

I am one part relieved, one part overwhelmed and one part scared.

I am relieved because I really was thinking that something was wrong with me.  I haven't been myself and on my down & difficult days I wonder when, if ever, I will get to be me again.  When I scrapbook photos from last summer I feel very different from the person I'm looking at.  And my outward appearance hasn't changed.  It's nice that someone agrees that I'm not myself.  And that there's a solution.

I am overwhelmed because this might mean we need to change our health insurance.  A higher monthly premium, a lower deductible, better coverage.  I don't actually know that but I'm worried about it already.  Keeping health insurance affordable and practical to the family is a burden I worry about frequently.

I'm scared (and here's the part where I cry at the computer).  I'm afraid to tell my husband.  I don't want anyone else to know outside of him anyway, but....  Well...  I didn't believe in depression & medication anyway.  I assume that he doesn't either.  Maybe those are just my thoughts and feelings I'm putting on him.  But since we went through all the same training...  I've decided to just be honest.  But when, tonight?  Tomorrow?  Right before he leaves on a trip?  Or wait until August, when I see my doctor and they confirm and prescribe something?  Well.  I know I can't carry this information.  It's too heavy.  I need some support, help & encouragement. 

Time to Evaluate

It appears to be time for a change and that means time to reevaluate where I am and where I'm headed.

Change 1: two older kids are going to school.  N will be there in the mornings, 9-12 (I must be home at 12 every day to meet her at the bus stop).  W will be there all day, 9-3, and I am driving them both to school at 8:45 am and picking W up at 3 whatever pm.

Change 2: new schedule (see above).  No more trips during the week, no more cross state trips at all, no more mid-week trips to the Children's Museum, the Fair, IKEA or anything else.  I am now tied to the school's schedule.

Change 3: I am almost out of debt.  I will soon be able to pick my clients instead of begging them to pick me.  But because of #2, what time do I have???

What ARE my God-given dreams??  And what are my selfish goals?
How do I tell the difference?  What is next for me and my business/hobby?

I've nearly decided to take a year off.  No promoting, no free sessions, not taking ANY client unless I truly want to.  I'm going to spend the year on growth.  Personal growth and professional growth. 

To the latter, I feel inferior because I AM INFERIOR.  I cannot pull off the kind of consistency that I want.  Correct exposure, creative eye, attention to details.  I follow so many other photographers and it should not be pulling me down but pushing me forward.  I finally feel that I have reached that point.  The point of change.  We've all heard it, "you will only change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing." *author unknown  I am determined to grow more proficient at several things: consistent exposure, seeing the unexpected, sunflares, creative locations, taking only projects that mean something to me.

To the former, for some reason this last year has been frought with emotional upheaval & frustration.  The road I thought I was on has changed, which frustrates me, and the new road is full of unknowns.  Even turning 33 this year has brought on some physical and emotional changes.   Seven years of marriage.  Three kids.  Not breastfeeding or pregnant.  What does "non-hormonally surged" Nickie look like??  It's been rough.

I'm sure I will be returning to this page frequently.  It helped so much to re-read past trials and frustrations and how God worked through all those times.  Since I stopped blogging consistently (oh goodness, maybe 3 years now?) it is hard to remember much.  I miss those triggers and the opportunity to vent in a safe place. ;) 

Survey for Amanda

Just because Amanda asked me to... :)
Getting to Know Me:
1.)What color are your kitchen plates? The every day plates are white, my nice plates are white with navy trim
2.) What book are you reading now? Book? Who has time to actually turn pages when the internet is so much faster??
3.)What is on your mouse pad?I don't have one
4.)Favorite board game? I haven't played in forever, but it was Settlers of Catan.. ahhh, good times...
5.)Least favorite smells? A certain "vent" in Slovakia that aired out the local sewer.
6.)What is the first thing you think of in the morning? Can't they go back to bed? Is it 7 yet?
7.)Favorite Color? Blue. Most blues, but a blue and green combination is awesome.
8.)Least favorite color? Black.
9.)How many rings until you answer the phone? I wait for caller ID then decide if the kids are too loud to even hear the other person & should I bother to answer if I can't actually talk??
10.)Future child's name? Since I will probably not get to use them: Chaughnessy, Vanessa, Margaret, Elizabeth, Jane, Amy... I'm not giving away my combinations though...
11.)Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate - is there anything else?
12.)Do you like to drive fast? Before kids - yes. After kids, I just prefer to stay away from all the slow old people.
13.)Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Just my big DavidBear!
14.)Do you like thunderstorms? Neither here nor there... As long as the kids aren't bothered by it.
15.)What color are your eyes? Green/Grey, they change. My daughter's change from blue to grey too...
16.)Sign? Aries, not like it's important...
17.)Do you eat the stems of broccoli? What? Yeah...
18.)If you could have any job, what would it be? Getting paid to do something I love & still have time for my family. So far that doesn't have a title! :)
19.)If you could have any color hair, what would it be? A little red-er than what I have. The grey's are taking over though...
20.)Is the glass half full or half empty? You never know these days....
21.)What is your favorite movie? Currently: Little Miss Sunshine or The Devil Wears Prada
22.) Do you type with your fingers on the right keys? Always! Mr. Whitehead would be proud.
23.)What's under your bed? Christmas paper, dust bunnies, random feathers, kids' toys
24.)What is your favorite number? 27
25.)Favorite sports to watch? Football, everything else is not entertaining.
26.)Your single biggest intense pain? My miscarriage, then when Jamie died last month...
27.)Person most likely to respond? I doubt it.
28.)Person least likely " "? No one is going to do this, only 2 people even read this.
29.)Ketchup or Mustard? Depends what it's for, but Dijon
30.)Hamburgers or hotdog? Hamburgers... Ooh, you're going to make me send David out on a craving run!
32.)The best place you have ever been? Miami Beach...
33.)Favorite fast food? McDonald's, then Applebees, if that counts.
34.)What kind of car do you drive? Trailblazer - my favorite so far
35.)Married or Single? Married, almost 5 years now

Friendship Prayer

May the fleas of a thousand camels

infest the crotch of the person

who screws up your day

and may their arms be too short to scratch...

Amen.

I got this today in my email & thought that it is a lovely, heartfelt wish from a good friend who truly wants your day to go a little better, even if the only thing good that happens is smiling & laughing at this... :)