An Evaluation

I saw my counselor today.  We had a good 4 months this winter and she helped me break down some overwhelming problems into bite size chunks.  I thought I was doing great.  But I've noticed some things over the last little bit that were really bothering me. 

I went to complain that I'm frequently overwhelmed, frustrated in photography and business, nothing is working out, I'm not eating well, I haven't made the doctors appointments I should have, my trouble with babysitters, how I don't want to be around people even people that I know & love, anxiety over hosting family get togethers and how weird that is, and how I nearly missed my 3 year olds birthday dinner. I went in just wanting an ear and a shoulder to cry on. But I could have done that with any friend and my sweet husband. But I had this gut feeling that this was something bigger. Because I've already cried over all these things with and to my husband. My sister and parents have already heard some of these complaints. Why burden them again and again?

She thinks I need depression medication. 

I am one part relieved, one part overwhelmed and one part scared.

I am relieved because I really was thinking that something was wrong with me.  I haven't been myself and on my down & difficult days I wonder when, if ever, I will get to be me again.  When I scrapbook photos from last summer I feel very different from the person I'm looking at.  And my outward appearance hasn't changed.  It's nice that someone agrees that I'm not myself.  And that there's a solution.

I am overwhelmed because this might mean we need to change our health insurance.  A higher monthly premium, a lower deductible, better coverage.  I don't actually know that but I'm worried about it already.  Keeping health insurance affordable and practical to the family is a burden I worry about frequently.

I'm scared (and here's the part where I cry at the computer).  I'm afraid to tell my husband.  I don't want anyone else to know outside of him anyway, but....  Well...  I didn't believe in depression & medication anyway.  I assume that he doesn't either.  Maybe those are just my thoughts and feelings I'm putting on him.  But since we went through all the same training...  I've decided to just be honest.  But when, tonight?  Tomorrow?  Right before he leaves on a trip?  Or wait until August, when I see my doctor and they confirm and prescribe something?  Well.  I know I can't carry this information.  It's too heavy.  I need some support, help & encouragement.