things I don't like

• I don't like taking the kids (mostly Will) anywhere new because I don't know how to prepare him or know what will bother him or how to help him or how he will react
• I don't like being with more than 1 person at a time
• I don't like hosting, it's a lot of pressure and dread!
• I don't like going to other people's houses
• I don't enjoy reading photography blogs because it just reminds me how inferior I am and how I will never get such good results
• I don't enjoy reading happy people's updates, they make me jealous and nauseous.  I'd love to sort my friends into optimist/pessimist groups so I could block all the optimists.
• I'd rather be around 1000 strangers than a group of 10 acquaintances
• Meetups with people I've never met (or know only online) give me the heebie jeebies
• I don't want to cook, but I'm giving it a 150% effort right now for the kids' health
• I don't want to do any creative post processing, I am completely lacking inspiration!
• I don't want to post process at all, I'd rather not even look at a shoot that just ended
• I don't want to call anyone to talk about how I feel; I can't stand complaining - even my own.
• I don't like "needing" a babysitter twice a week for my own mental health.  What kind of a mom am I if I can't even be here??
• I don't like keeping secrets, but I don't want people to know how I really feel
• I work out my frustration by doing the dishes.  I hate doing dishes.

I wonder how long I've felt like this.  There was a time I was not this down, not all the time.
I still have goals, but there is so much standing in the way right now...

• I want to network with other photographers, but I fear meeting new people and especially in large groups.
• I want to improve as a photographer, but right now there's such a strong sense of failure and insecurity.
• I want to take more workshops but feel trapped in time and opportunity
• I want to be certified and join other professional associations, but between time and anxiety...
• I want to be a good friend to my friends, to care about my husband better, to be more patient with my kids, to be THERE in the moment, for all of them.
• I want to exercise, to have the energy to get out AND exercise