Shoulda Said....

Sheesh, so I finally have my doctor's appointment today.  I did the brave thing and told the nurse that I needed to talk about antidepressant or antianxiety meds...

What I DID say...  I've been seeing a counselor who suggested I talk to you about antidepressants.  Many things were still seemingly out of my control: anxiety over having people over, avoiding leaving the house, lack of energy, lack of motivation, cancelling plans with friends, short fuse with the kids, not sleeping well.

What I SHOULDA said....  Racing heart beat when stressed but occasionally for no apparent reason at all, poor sleep, lack of appetite, feeling overwhelmed quickly and then not being able to do anything about it, not liking my life 8/10 days, hating my life 1/10 days, no hope on the horizon just have to fake it until something changes.  The kicker of what I should have said: I'm unhappy being a wife & mother & I've all but given up photography.  I have no passion or drive for anything anymore, it's all about survival now.

But here's this: I've contemplated what exactly I am not satisfied with in my life right now and I can't come up with anything!  I've even thought about what it would be like to not be married, have a career, have more kids or less kids or no kids.  Nothing sounds better than what I have now, only worse.  Yet that doesn't bring up feelings of satisfaction with my current situation.

I am stuck in a phase of life I don't want to be in!!  It was much easier being a baby maker, playing with little kids and enjoying setting up our first homes.  But now this "parent of a grade schooler" stage sucks!  The disciplining is way harder and less concrete (in my mind anyway) and relating becomes easier but harder at the same time.  I don't want to be away from my kids and leave them in the hands of God only knows who (thank goodness He does though!) and let them experience all the horrors that come with going to school!!  I don't want to let go, even though I know it's time...