heart issues

I'm just curious if anyone else already knows what is going on with me and maybe can warn me about what's ahead...




I've been having "heart palpitations" for years, I can't even remember how long except that it was during a pregnancy. I called my midwife to ask her why it would happen - it was never painful, never made me stop what I was doing and would come at random times regardless of activity or inactivity. She said it was just my heart making more blood volume for the pregnancy. Oh, okay.



Fast forward to last year.



Sometimes around last fall/winter I began to notice that these palpitations (it's a very fast pulse rate, like 160/minute and would last a few minutes) were really strong and I started to pay more attention to them. They continued to pop up out of nowhere, I could feel my heart trying to beat out of my chest, I check my pulse, sometimes I stop what I'm doing & sit or lie down but many times I don't change anything at all. It can be WHILE sitting on the couch, while grocery shopping, but never happened during exercise. For a while they came every day at 9:30 am. Sometimes they were related to stress like arguing with a child. Sometimes I had to sit & use relaxation techniques to keep calm and attempt to slow it down. Sometimes I would have nothing for days, sometimes daily. It had no pattern. Morning, evening, midday.



This August I began taking Paroxatine (Paxil) for depression & anxiety. For 3 weeks I had no palpitations at all. None. Then I had a minor panic attack trying to get AJ out of the Dumbo ride at Disneyland (he didn't want to get out) and it took me half an hour to calm my body down. I began to have palpitations almost every day and at one point I had 3-4 a day. DH told me to call my doc or he would. :( I was Rx'd Propanolol to slow my heart - 1-3 pills a day as needed.



After 3 weeks I went in for a checkup. Yes, I had no more palpitations (I was taking 1 pill a day) but could occasionally feel a tightness in my chest as if it would begin but not fully develop. Also I have been oh so tired... and gave up caffeine. I was told I could take 1/2 a pill if I wanted and take it at bedtime to ease the tiredness.

Today I had AJ at the mall for some play time.  We chased each other from the play area to the car, not far and not fast.  Once in the car I noticed my heart hadn't slowed down from the running.  I sat there maybe 5-10 minutes to calm down and had no change.  I began to drive home.  On the way I began to feel faint and needed to get home faster.  By the time I got home I was very nervous and headed straight for the Propanolol and the ouch.  1 pill and lying on my side, it took maybe 20 minutes to slow my heart rate.  It wasn't all that fast, but it just wouldn't stop.
 
DH made me call the doctor.  Now I've been reminded of signs of a heart attack and expect a call from the Cardiac Unit in a few days.  Apparently that never happens so I need to be careful.  No more driving while expecting to faint.  Duh...

update from Doc & other stuff

So I finally had my "6 weeks later" check up today.  Week 3, I think, on heart medication. Boo.  Apparently my lack of energy could be part of that.  So instead of taking just one of those buddies in the morning to take half at night and half in the morning or a whole one at night.  And she upped my dose of Paxil.  I was worried about that before hand but if we can get the two to work hand in hand (Paxil makes me energetic, the heart stuff makes me tired) and even each other out then it will be fine.  I was a little surprised she didn't want to actually test my heart and make me wear a heart monitor.  But oh well.  I'm on these babies for the next 3 months as long as nothing weird happens.

Honestly I AM a little perturbed that she didn't check on my heart thing.  Maybe it's better not to bother with it right now, just manage it until I get off the anti-anxiety that is probably causing it in the first place.  I don't know. 

I'm overdosing on ice cream right now.  Literally forcing myself to finish the bowl.  I probably had a decent 2/3 c. left when I wanted to stop.  Ugh...  And it's Moose Tracks so it's not like I WANT to stop.  But it met the craving and the craving is long gone now.  Hunger is still with me.  Weird. 

I can't believe I've stayed steady at 145 pounds since June.  I thought for sure once I got my appetite back I would gain weight.  But I haven't.  Stayed right around 145-148.

I read someone else's blog today about their experience at Scott Robert's NYC class.  It was beautiful and intimate.  Of course the imagery is fantastic but they're kind of textbook SR - night photography, OCF, 2 flashes, Cold/Hug/Ravage poses, bridal poses.  Then she opened up about having Scott critique her work and where it was lacking and how she just bawled for a long time and the things it woke in her.  THAT's the part I really identified with.  I felt that perhaps I was supposed to get that when I went to LA but missed out because I didn't take risks, was unprepared, too proud to admit my shortcomings, honestly just wasn't ready for that level of work, and David was there so I didn't want to exclude him...  So I'm mildly frustrated, yet uplifted knowing that someone else is going through that.  Someone felt despair after being critiqued and also became hopeful because of dealing with the critique.  I want to badly to do another workshop.  I know I can swing it financially, but I just can't see myself getting away for a week during the school year this year.  Maybe next year?  Do I need to spend another year just learning and practicing??  Maybe I do...

doc again

Last week's appointment got moved to this coming Monday.  Ugh...  So I should have something to say in a few days.

doc tomorrow

Tomorrow is my 6 week check up since my last one. 
But now they know about my heart racing thing.
I kind of want a higher dose of Paxil or something similar to it so I can go back to being super energetic...  Pathetic.
But where I am now I don't have tons of patience, it's quite a lot of work.  I'm not very energetic but I'm not wiped out all the time.
I'm not overwhelmed by life and leaving the house.

Will had half a day suspension today (only his 4th day of school) and I haven't cried over it yet.  I still want to but there kind of isn't a point.  The school was simply doing the exact same thing I would do - remove him until he's ready to be compliant.  I have to do that all the time.  And it's not like it's a "3 suspensions then expulsion" rule.  They've being quite awesome and supportive.  So the only reason I have to cry is my own pride.  Skoda.

I don't really know what to expect of tomorrow.  Just tell them how I feel now.  Run down the last 6 weeks.  Offer to wear a heart monitor I guess....

First day of school

Okay, let me try to sum up yesterday...


I park at the school (well, half a block from school) and walk in with Will & Nina; AJ was home with DH. Will was totally excited & got into his class just fine & left me with just a hug. Nina & I head off to her class b/c she had "orientation" at 10 and school started at 9:30. So we hang out there. Then her teacher talked for about 30 min while the kids colored (and Nina squirmed and complained of being hungry), then did a craft and the parents detailed who went home on the bus & who got picked up & picked snack days, yada yada yada...  We got home at 11:30
 
DH comes home from errands & AJ is already asleep - yay!  Nina & I just hang out & putter around the house, I really don't know what to do with myself.  I edit pictures for a while and resist the temptation to drive to school just to check on Will.  AJ wakes up at 3, just in time to get ready to go again.
 
They do a drop off/pick up line for cars.  So I'm "parked" about a block away in line, then when the kids come out & stand with the attendants/teachers, 4 cars drive up to the area, pick up their kid & then drive out of the loop.  We had to wait about 15 minutes in line.  I was so nervous Will would somehow end up on the bus!  I was glad David stayed home just in case.  I got Will at the school just fine & he wasn't ready to talk about his day.  He just said "some rough, some fun".  David got him to talk a little later.
 
About 15 min after we got home I got a call from the teacher.  She said overall his day went great!  He was polite, raised his hand, worked hard and it wasn't obvious that he wasn't from a traditional school environment.  We had prepared him well and he was getting it.  She was glad we had prepared her for what sensory things are hard for him.  When the class was getting loud & chaotic, he was getting agitated so she dimmed the lights and he calmed down.  He loved eating snack at his desk.  He had a hard time in PE because no one would pass him the ball and he had to be removed to talk with the school social worker.  He really connected with her (Miss S.) and felt safe with her.  He told us about that too.  He calmed down & returned to class just fine.  Miss M. (Will's teacher) hadn't had a chance to tell the PE teacher about Will's needs & talents so she thinks that will help.
 
Will did fine at lunch & recess!  He came home very tired & irritable though.  He was determined to ride the bus & tried to run off.  Both the teacher & social worker are ready to help us in any way we need, right now he just needs to accept that he is not riding the bus!!  Miss S. had also called us earlier (made my heart skip!) just to introduce herself and let us know she was available. 
 
So everyone is ready & willing to do anything that will help him succeed and make this work for us. 
 
I was emotionally exhausted by 5 pm!  I had not cried all day and just before dinner I just needed to let it out...  It's so hard to let him go, to let him go through experiences that may be painful but are so necessary to his growth.