Day 27

UGH! 
I am NOT a happy camper today. 
Will is pretty anxious to start school & doesn't really know what to do with himself.  This leads to way more stunts & physical acts and then he gets hurt just a little and he acts like he cut off a finger.  Seriously.  He is wayyy over acting.
Nina is probably nervous/excited about starting school as well.  She's been extra clingy & in need of attention.
AJ is being really whiny.

So many of the actual behavior we have curbed this last month.  And during and after vacation last week we've had a nice lot of family time.  Mom & Dad pointed out that maybe the underlying cause is their nervousness & excitement.  It could be.  And that would be a very hard feeling for them to describe.  So I'm trying to meet Will's need for more attention and having a very hard time at it.

Had two episodes of heart palpitation today.  I haven't had any since Disneyland (I thought I wouldn't be able to get AJ off the Dumbo ride) and haven't had any the rest of August.  This morning I was irritated with Nina and vrrrrooooommmm, there goes my heart like it's a freaking Formula 1 race.  Then at Costco I was loading the stuff into the van and it was so heavy, the kids were hungry, AJ needed a diaper (which I had to get out of the box) and I was worn out and just wanted to go home.  Out of nowhere, the pulse is racing, I can feel it in my neck, I get a little light headed & have to stop.  Stupid.  Stupid. Stupid.

The way I feel today:
restless
down
discouraged
stressed
unsure
tired
frustrated

I've yelled & threatened with the kids a little today.  Even when I was clear & concise my voice was not always under control.  I was angry many times already.  It doesn't help that there were MANY curve balls thrown to me at Costco!!  They didn't have regular Ziplock gallon size bags, only freezer style.  The diapers weren't in the right place.  I couldn't decide string cheese or American, even though I know we need American.  Then at the deli I didn't have enough cash to buy myself what I wanted and I needed to have a hot dog to make it all work.  They didn't have Sprite in the fountain, only lemonade or Mountain Dew - so the kids were disappointed.  It was so crowded.  It was so very crowded.  I didn't buy myself a drink at all because it was hard enough to take care of the kids' needs.  I opted to have them eat in the car rather than find a place to sit.  Almost forgot to get gas.  Even though I missed most of Meridian traffic it was shocking how many people are driving around at 1 pm today. 

Ugh...  That's all.  I'm tired & I want to be alone but now alone time is over!!

depression, anxiety and me

I think someday in the future I will write about how these things affected me as an artist.  I have read lots about post partum depression and mothers with depression but I couldn't find anything about photographers with depression or anxiety.  Everything I found pointed towards photographers during the Great Depression or photos titled with Anxiety or Depression.  I'm not ready for that to be public knowledge, but someday it will be.  For now just these things:  I was completely sapped of motivation.  Dry on creativity.  The constant feelings of inferiority weighed on me like 50 pound bags of sand.  The insane butterflies in my stomach before and during client meetings.  The hives the night before the wedding expo.  Insomnia frequently.  Ugh....

Recap of Week 2-3

We went on vacation to California & stayed with friends for the entire week.  A few days before we left I began to not sleep very well - needing to take Tylenol PM about 10 pm most nights.  When we got there it was much worse.  I was waking up at 1 and staying awake for a long time.  One night I slept 11-1 am and 4-6 am.  I couldn't get comfortable but even if I could I was unable to sleep.  The Tylenol PM wasn't helping.  I took it at bedtime - roughly 10:30 pm and still woke up at 2 am.  So another night I took it at 2 am when I woke up, but still found it hard to truly sleep.  My breathing was fast - too fast for sleep - and I couldn't talk myself into breathing slower.

I called my doctor's office on Wednesday, Thursday & Friday - no response. 
On Wednesday I took my pill at lunch instead of breakfast.  Thursday I took it at dinner.  Friday I took it at 8 pm.  Saturday I took it at bedtime.  Thursday I woke up at 2 am but was able to get back to sleep.  Friday I woke briefly at 5 am.  Saturday I slept through the night, or until AJ got up which was at 5:30 am Sunday morning!

I don't really like this switch to taking it at night.  Yes, I enjoy sleeping.  But now I have just average energy.  I really really liked having lots of energy late in the day when everyone else was lagging.  Now I wake up with average energy and make it through the day like that.  Not awesome.  Not what it used to be.  But it's okay and it's still better than I was without it.

Day 12 - I smell garlic

I think I smell garlic all the time.  Partly because I was having an issue with the package of frozne raspberries from the store.  Every time I touched that package my hands came away smelling like garlic.  But that one is gone & I have a new one now.  It also does the same thing.  Then I received 40+ cloves of raw, peeled garlic from my mom.  Yum!  Then the whole kitchen smelled like garlic.  Today was the beginning of the Pierce County Fair, which is just a mile from my house.  Naturally I can smell the fair food and guess what....  I can smell garlic. 

Anyway, I'm discovering that even though I now have a decent amount of consistent energy (not powered by coffee), I still have ups & downs.  I still have moods to work through, I still can get into my own little (very shallow) rut if I let myself.  This isn't a magic drug.  It felt like it, but it isn't.  I feel so normal I have already forgotten to take it twice - luckily I discovered it about halfway through the day. 

No sleep issues!  I can fall asleep at a normal time and without help.  I am waking up fine and in a very normal, slightly sleepy state. 

My appetite is fine!  I no longer have that stressed-out-slightly-upset stomach all the time. 

I am no longer beating myself over the head with how awful things are and how much I hate my life or this stage of life.  Speaking of which - this is just part of growing up!  Get over it!

I have come to terms with the inner creative frustration - it will always be there.  I will always have something inside me waiting for the right time to come out and be expressed.  It's not a bad thing.  It's a good thing!

Day 10

I am woofed today.  Almost enough to need coffee.  I had thought that my new energy level last week would be a constant, but I guess not.  Yesterday was a VERY long day, with two 3 hour drives and lots of hard work at Gary & Noni's wedding.  So I guess this isn't a miracle drug, it doesn't give amazing energy, it gives me NORMAL energy.  What I used to have.  Or should have.  And it can't make up for long days, short nights and the body needing more sleep.  Okay.  I was a little short with the kids today, whoops.  My parents (and David) brought up that I haven't yelled at the kids at all since I started this.  Wow.  Who know I could go without yelling for more than 7 days??  I haven't given any unnecessary swats and even my tone of voice is mostly under control.  Two or three weeks ago I couldn't have dreamed any of those things were possible.  Even the necessary swats were within reason and without any anger at all.  Wow.  But I still need sleep, so off to bed I go...

Day 6

What I've noticed this week:

• mild upset stomach in the morning
• mild drowsiness, nothing out of the ordinary and gone around lunch
• energy that lasts all day
• more patience
• more empathy
• more sympathy
• more joy
• more hope
• faith isn't a joke
• way less anxiety about social situations & work
• no dread, no foreboding
• no cement in my stomach
• no crying
• happy people don't make me sick to my stomach

Day 2

So this could be the result of a full night's sleep that was also uninterrupted, or it could be a sign of things to come...

I feel hopeful.

Day 1

Today is the first day of taking 10 mg of Paxil.  We'll see how this goes.  I'm expecting nothing more than a slight upset stomach today.  The dose is so low I may notice nothing for weeks. :(

It's 6:30 pm, about 10 hours after taking the drug.  I feel great.  I've had only slighty drowsiness, the kind of thing that normally happens at 1 & 5 pm, so that's probably nothing.  I feel energetic & creative.  However, a lot of that could be from having 3 hours of alone time!!  I got all caught up on my phone calls, schedule and email.  David and the kids went to his parents house about 3 pm.  I've just done whatever I want since then.  And we all know I recharge best by being a l o n e!  So who knows.  But if it's the drug then I'll probably feel pretty good tomorrow.  If it's the alone time then tomorrow will be so-so with plenty of ups & downs like usual....

Since I'll have more "free" (ha ha ha ha ha ha) time soon, here's some things I'd like to do:
Update AJ's blog and work on it for the whole school year.
Update Nina's blog a little bit.
Turn Will's blog into a book (ages 307) and update it a little
Look for a way to turn my Xanga blog into a book.
Compile my "best of 09-10" images into a book.
Work on the family scrapbook
Catch up on AJ's 0-2 scrapbook
Repair all the walls & touch up paint *kitchen first!*
Paint our room
Paint the toy room
Fix Nina's bed *find the missing piece obviously

I think that will keep me busy all year...