Heart - from the pessimist hypochondriac

I read way too much.
I am overly sensitive to my body.
I have a tendency to blow things out of proportion and then have to restrain my thoughts, my feelings & my words back into what is true and real.
I love WebMD.
I love diagnosing little aches & pains and learning I probably have nothing.  When should I worry and when is it nothing?  What is the line to cross before heading to urgent care?

This has come in handy before: knowing the difference between a chest cold & bronchitis, ear infection & teething, a bad scrape on my achilles tendon or did I rupture it?

But when it came to my heart issues I read too much.  I asked for too much advice & listened to too many stories.  Heart palpitations are a symptom of virtually everything.  Anxiety, thyroid issues and just plain old living.  Specifically, the rhythm I was reading about, super tachycardia, stems from cocaine, noctine, caffeine & aspartane or a physical abnormality like a third electrode on the heart.

I was so worked up I actually believed that the only good news I would receive is that I have something physically wrong with my heart and would need surgery.  I was prepared to hear that I have heart disease or some sort of strange problem that would keep me on medication and I may die young.

The cardiologist did a quick little exam, checked all my meds & history, a little EKG and then said I was normal.  WHAT??  People with my particular rhythm usually find them a minor annoyance and there is nothing wrong with them.  Since my "annoying" rhythms were likely due to stress and then made worse by anti-anxiety medication, we should continue on the heart meds for 3 months, then wean off of them.  Most likely, the heart will be retrained by then and it will go back to being just an "annoying" problem as long as I handle stressful situations and anxiety in a better manner.

Sheesh.  I'm normal.  I was so not prepared for that.

It took me several days to hear that as good news.  My intuitions have been right so many times, and this time I was wrong.  Expensively wrong.  But still good to get monitored & have a professional tell me I was wrong.  Wrong being an okay thing.  Because being wrong about this means I'm perfectly fine.  I can enjoy vigorous workouts, have no fear of my heart trying to beat out of my chest or randomly stopping, no fears of early heart attacks!  Wrong is a good thing!  Being wrong is okay.  Being wrong is the right thing to be....

heart issues

I'm just curious if anyone else already knows what is going on with me and maybe can warn me about what's ahead...




I've been having "heart palpitations" for years, I can't even remember how long except that it was during a pregnancy. I called my midwife to ask her why it would happen - it was never painful, never made me stop what I was doing and would come at random times regardless of activity or inactivity. She said it was just my heart making more blood volume for the pregnancy. Oh, okay.



Fast forward to last year.



Sometimes around last fall/winter I began to notice that these palpitations (it's a very fast pulse rate, like 160/minute and would last a few minutes) were really strong and I started to pay more attention to them. They continued to pop up out of nowhere, I could feel my heart trying to beat out of my chest, I check my pulse, sometimes I stop what I'm doing & sit or lie down but many times I don't change anything at all. It can be WHILE sitting on the couch, while grocery shopping, but never happened during exercise. For a while they came every day at 9:30 am. Sometimes they were related to stress like arguing with a child. Sometimes I had to sit & use relaxation techniques to keep calm and attempt to slow it down. Sometimes I would have nothing for days, sometimes daily. It had no pattern. Morning, evening, midday.



This August I began taking Paroxatine (Paxil) for depression & anxiety. For 3 weeks I had no palpitations at all. None. Then I had a minor panic attack trying to get AJ out of the Dumbo ride at Disneyland (he didn't want to get out) and it took me half an hour to calm my body down. I began to have palpitations almost every day and at one point I had 3-4 a day. DH told me to call my doc or he would. :( I was Rx'd Propanolol to slow my heart - 1-3 pills a day as needed.



After 3 weeks I went in for a checkup. Yes, I had no more palpitations (I was taking 1 pill a day) but could occasionally feel a tightness in my chest as if it would begin but not fully develop. Also I have been oh so tired... and gave up caffeine. I was told I could take 1/2 a pill if I wanted and take it at bedtime to ease the tiredness.

Today I had AJ at the mall for some play time.  We chased each other from the play area to the car, not far and not fast.  Once in the car I noticed my heart hadn't slowed down from the running.  I sat there maybe 5-10 minutes to calm down and had no change.  I began to drive home.  On the way I began to feel faint and needed to get home faster.  By the time I got home I was very nervous and headed straight for the Propanolol and the ouch.  1 pill and lying on my side, it took maybe 20 minutes to slow my heart rate.  It wasn't all that fast, but it just wouldn't stop.
 
DH made me call the doctor.  Now I've been reminded of signs of a heart attack and expect a call from the Cardiac Unit in a few days.  Apparently that never happens so I need to be careful.  No more driving while expecting to faint.  Duh...

update from Doc & other stuff

So I finally had my "6 weeks later" check up today.  Week 3, I think, on heart medication. Boo.  Apparently my lack of energy could be part of that.  So instead of taking just one of those buddies in the morning to take half at night and half in the morning or a whole one at night.  And she upped my dose of Paxil.  I was worried about that before hand but if we can get the two to work hand in hand (Paxil makes me energetic, the heart stuff makes me tired) and even each other out then it will be fine.  I was a little surprised she didn't want to actually test my heart and make me wear a heart monitor.  But oh well.  I'm on these babies for the next 3 months as long as nothing weird happens.

Honestly I AM a little perturbed that she didn't check on my heart thing.  Maybe it's better not to bother with it right now, just manage it until I get off the anti-anxiety that is probably causing it in the first place.  I don't know. 

I'm overdosing on ice cream right now.  Literally forcing myself to finish the bowl.  I probably had a decent 2/3 c. left when I wanted to stop.  Ugh...  And it's Moose Tracks so it's not like I WANT to stop.  But it met the craving and the craving is long gone now.  Hunger is still with me.  Weird. 

I can't believe I've stayed steady at 145 pounds since June.  I thought for sure once I got my appetite back I would gain weight.  But I haven't.  Stayed right around 145-148.

I read someone else's blog today about their experience at Scott Robert's NYC class.  It was beautiful and intimate.  Of course the imagery is fantastic but they're kind of textbook SR - night photography, OCF, 2 flashes, Cold/Hug/Ravage poses, bridal poses.  Then she opened up about having Scott critique her work and where it was lacking and how she just bawled for a long time and the things it woke in her.  THAT's the part I really identified with.  I felt that perhaps I was supposed to get that when I went to LA but missed out because I didn't take risks, was unprepared, too proud to admit my shortcomings, honestly just wasn't ready for that level of work, and David was there so I didn't want to exclude him...  So I'm mildly frustrated, yet uplifted knowing that someone else is going through that.  Someone felt despair after being critiqued and also became hopeful because of dealing with the critique.  I want to badly to do another workshop.  I know I can swing it financially, but I just can't see myself getting away for a week during the school year this year.  Maybe next year?  Do I need to spend another year just learning and practicing??  Maybe I do...

doc again

Last week's appointment got moved to this coming Monday.  Ugh...  So I should have something to say in a few days.

doc tomorrow

Tomorrow is my 6 week check up since my last one. 
But now they know about my heart racing thing.
I kind of want a higher dose of Paxil or something similar to it so I can go back to being super energetic...  Pathetic.
But where I am now I don't have tons of patience, it's quite a lot of work.  I'm not very energetic but I'm not wiped out all the time.
I'm not overwhelmed by life and leaving the house.

Will had half a day suspension today (only his 4th day of school) and I haven't cried over it yet.  I still want to but there kind of isn't a point.  The school was simply doing the exact same thing I would do - remove him until he's ready to be compliant.  I have to do that all the time.  And it's not like it's a "3 suspensions then expulsion" rule.  They've being quite awesome and supportive.  So the only reason I have to cry is my own pride.  Skoda.

I don't really know what to expect of tomorrow.  Just tell them how I feel now.  Run down the last 6 weeks.  Offer to wear a heart monitor I guess....

First day of school

Okay, let me try to sum up yesterday...


I park at the school (well, half a block from school) and walk in with Will & Nina; AJ was home with DH. Will was totally excited & got into his class just fine & left me with just a hug. Nina & I head off to her class b/c she had "orientation" at 10 and school started at 9:30. So we hang out there. Then her teacher talked for about 30 min while the kids colored (and Nina squirmed and complained of being hungry), then did a craft and the parents detailed who went home on the bus & who got picked up & picked snack days, yada yada yada...  We got home at 11:30
 
DH comes home from errands & AJ is already asleep - yay!  Nina & I just hang out & putter around the house, I really don't know what to do with myself.  I edit pictures for a while and resist the temptation to drive to school just to check on Will.  AJ wakes up at 3, just in time to get ready to go again.
 
They do a drop off/pick up line for cars.  So I'm "parked" about a block away in line, then when the kids come out & stand with the attendants/teachers, 4 cars drive up to the area, pick up their kid & then drive out of the loop.  We had to wait about 15 minutes in line.  I was so nervous Will would somehow end up on the bus!  I was glad David stayed home just in case.  I got Will at the school just fine & he wasn't ready to talk about his day.  He just said "some rough, some fun".  David got him to talk a little later.
 
About 15 min after we got home I got a call from the teacher.  She said overall his day went great!  He was polite, raised his hand, worked hard and it wasn't obvious that he wasn't from a traditional school environment.  We had prepared him well and he was getting it.  She was glad we had prepared her for what sensory things are hard for him.  When the class was getting loud & chaotic, he was getting agitated so she dimmed the lights and he calmed down.  He loved eating snack at his desk.  He had a hard time in PE because no one would pass him the ball and he had to be removed to talk with the school social worker.  He really connected with her (Miss S.) and felt safe with her.  He told us about that too.  He calmed down & returned to class just fine.  Miss M. (Will's teacher) hadn't had a chance to tell the PE teacher about Will's needs & talents so she thinks that will help.
 
Will did fine at lunch & recess!  He came home very tired & irritable though.  He was determined to ride the bus & tried to run off.  Both the teacher & social worker are ready to help us in any way we need, right now he just needs to accept that he is not riding the bus!!  Miss S. had also called us earlier (made my heart skip!) just to introduce herself and let us know she was available. 
 
So everyone is ready & willing to do anything that will help him succeed and make this work for us. 
 
I was emotionally exhausted by 5 pm!  I had not cried all day and just before dinner I just needed to let it out...  It's so hard to let him go, to let him go through experiences that may be painful but are so necessary to his growth. 

Day 27

UGH! 
I am NOT a happy camper today. 
Will is pretty anxious to start school & doesn't really know what to do with himself.  This leads to way more stunts & physical acts and then he gets hurt just a little and he acts like he cut off a finger.  Seriously.  He is wayyy over acting.
Nina is probably nervous/excited about starting school as well.  She's been extra clingy & in need of attention.
AJ is being really whiny.

So many of the actual behavior we have curbed this last month.  And during and after vacation last week we've had a nice lot of family time.  Mom & Dad pointed out that maybe the underlying cause is their nervousness & excitement.  It could be.  And that would be a very hard feeling for them to describe.  So I'm trying to meet Will's need for more attention and having a very hard time at it.

Had two episodes of heart palpitation today.  I haven't had any since Disneyland (I thought I wouldn't be able to get AJ off the Dumbo ride) and haven't had any the rest of August.  This morning I was irritated with Nina and vrrrrooooommmm, there goes my heart like it's a freaking Formula 1 race.  Then at Costco I was loading the stuff into the van and it was so heavy, the kids were hungry, AJ needed a diaper (which I had to get out of the box) and I was worn out and just wanted to go home.  Out of nowhere, the pulse is racing, I can feel it in my neck, I get a little light headed & have to stop.  Stupid.  Stupid. Stupid.

The way I feel today:
restless
down
discouraged
stressed
unsure
tired
frustrated

I've yelled & threatened with the kids a little today.  Even when I was clear & concise my voice was not always under control.  I was angry many times already.  It doesn't help that there were MANY curve balls thrown to me at Costco!!  They didn't have regular Ziplock gallon size bags, only freezer style.  The diapers weren't in the right place.  I couldn't decide string cheese or American, even though I know we need American.  Then at the deli I didn't have enough cash to buy myself what I wanted and I needed to have a hot dog to make it all work.  They didn't have Sprite in the fountain, only lemonade or Mountain Dew - so the kids were disappointed.  It was so crowded.  It was so very crowded.  I didn't buy myself a drink at all because it was hard enough to take care of the kids' needs.  I opted to have them eat in the car rather than find a place to sit.  Almost forgot to get gas.  Even though I missed most of Meridian traffic it was shocking how many people are driving around at 1 pm today. 

Ugh...  That's all.  I'm tired & I want to be alone but now alone time is over!!

depression, anxiety and me

I think someday in the future I will write about how these things affected me as an artist.  I have read lots about post partum depression and mothers with depression but I couldn't find anything about photographers with depression or anxiety.  Everything I found pointed towards photographers during the Great Depression or photos titled with Anxiety or Depression.  I'm not ready for that to be public knowledge, but someday it will be.  For now just these things:  I was completely sapped of motivation.  Dry on creativity.  The constant feelings of inferiority weighed on me like 50 pound bags of sand.  The insane butterflies in my stomach before and during client meetings.  The hives the night before the wedding expo.  Insomnia frequently.  Ugh....

Recap of Week 2-3

We went on vacation to California & stayed with friends for the entire week.  A few days before we left I began to not sleep very well - needing to take Tylenol PM about 10 pm most nights.  When we got there it was much worse.  I was waking up at 1 and staying awake for a long time.  One night I slept 11-1 am and 4-6 am.  I couldn't get comfortable but even if I could I was unable to sleep.  The Tylenol PM wasn't helping.  I took it at bedtime - roughly 10:30 pm and still woke up at 2 am.  So another night I took it at 2 am when I woke up, but still found it hard to truly sleep.  My breathing was fast - too fast for sleep - and I couldn't talk myself into breathing slower.

I called my doctor's office on Wednesday, Thursday & Friday - no response. 
On Wednesday I took my pill at lunch instead of breakfast.  Thursday I took it at dinner.  Friday I took it at 8 pm.  Saturday I took it at bedtime.  Thursday I woke up at 2 am but was able to get back to sleep.  Friday I woke briefly at 5 am.  Saturday I slept through the night, or until AJ got up which was at 5:30 am Sunday morning!

I don't really like this switch to taking it at night.  Yes, I enjoy sleeping.  But now I have just average energy.  I really really liked having lots of energy late in the day when everyone else was lagging.  Now I wake up with average energy and make it through the day like that.  Not awesome.  Not what it used to be.  But it's okay and it's still better than I was without it.

Day 12 - I smell garlic

I think I smell garlic all the time.  Partly because I was having an issue with the package of frozne raspberries from the store.  Every time I touched that package my hands came away smelling like garlic.  But that one is gone & I have a new one now.  It also does the same thing.  Then I received 40+ cloves of raw, peeled garlic from my mom.  Yum!  Then the whole kitchen smelled like garlic.  Today was the beginning of the Pierce County Fair, which is just a mile from my house.  Naturally I can smell the fair food and guess what....  I can smell garlic. 

Anyway, I'm discovering that even though I now have a decent amount of consistent energy (not powered by coffee), I still have ups & downs.  I still have moods to work through, I still can get into my own little (very shallow) rut if I let myself.  This isn't a magic drug.  It felt like it, but it isn't.  I feel so normal I have already forgotten to take it twice - luckily I discovered it about halfway through the day. 

No sleep issues!  I can fall asleep at a normal time and without help.  I am waking up fine and in a very normal, slightly sleepy state. 

My appetite is fine!  I no longer have that stressed-out-slightly-upset stomach all the time. 

I am no longer beating myself over the head with how awful things are and how much I hate my life or this stage of life.  Speaking of which - this is just part of growing up!  Get over it!

I have come to terms with the inner creative frustration - it will always be there.  I will always have something inside me waiting for the right time to come out and be expressed.  It's not a bad thing.  It's a good thing!

Day 10

I am woofed today.  Almost enough to need coffee.  I had thought that my new energy level last week would be a constant, but I guess not.  Yesterday was a VERY long day, with two 3 hour drives and lots of hard work at Gary & Noni's wedding.  So I guess this isn't a miracle drug, it doesn't give amazing energy, it gives me NORMAL energy.  What I used to have.  Or should have.  And it can't make up for long days, short nights and the body needing more sleep.  Okay.  I was a little short with the kids today, whoops.  My parents (and David) brought up that I haven't yelled at the kids at all since I started this.  Wow.  Who know I could go without yelling for more than 7 days??  I haven't given any unnecessary swats and even my tone of voice is mostly under control.  Two or three weeks ago I couldn't have dreamed any of those things were possible.  Even the necessary swats were within reason and without any anger at all.  Wow.  But I still need sleep, so off to bed I go...

Day 6

What I've noticed this week:

• mild upset stomach in the morning
• mild drowsiness, nothing out of the ordinary and gone around lunch
• energy that lasts all day
• more patience
• more empathy
• more sympathy
• more joy
• more hope
• faith isn't a joke
• way less anxiety about social situations & work
• no dread, no foreboding
• no cement in my stomach
• no crying
• happy people don't make me sick to my stomach

Day 2

So this could be the result of a full night's sleep that was also uninterrupted, or it could be a sign of things to come...

I feel hopeful.

Day 1

Today is the first day of taking 10 mg of Paxil.  We'll see how this goes.  I'm expecting nothing more than a slight upset stomach today.  The dose is so low I may notice nothing for weeks. :(

It's 6:30 pm, about 10 hours after taking the drug.  I feel great.  I've had only slighty drowsiness, the kind of thing that normally happens at 1 & 5 pm, so that's probably nothing.  I feel energetic & creative.  However, a lot of that could be from having 3 hours of alone time!!  I got all caught up on my phone calls, schedule and email.  David and the kids went to his parents house about 3 pm.  I've just done whatever I want since then.  And we all know I recharge best by being a l o n e!  So who knows.  But if it's the drug then I'll probably feel pretty good tomorrow.  If it's the alone time then tomorrow will be so-so with plenty of ups & downs like usual....

Since I'll have more "free" (ha ha ha ha ha ha) time soon, here's some things I'd like to do:
Update AJ's blog and work on it for the whole school year.
Update Nina's blog a little bit.
Turn Will's blog into a book (ages 307) and update it a little
Look for a way to turn my Xanga blog into a book.
Compile my "best of 09-10" images into a book.
Work on the family scrapbook
Catch up on AJ's 0-2 scrapbook
Repair all the walls & touch up paint *kitchen first!*
Paint our room
Paint the toy room
Fix Nina's bed *find the missing piece obviously

I think that will keep me busy all year...

Shoulda Said....

Sheesh, so I finally have my doctor's appointment today.  I did the brave thing and told the nurse that I needed to talk about antidepressant or antianxiety meds...

What I DID say...  I've been seeing a counselor who suggested I talk to you about antidepressants.  Many things were still seemingly out of my control: anxiety over having people over, avoiding leaving the house, lack of energy, lack of motivation, cancelling plans with friends, short fuse with the kids, not sleeping well.

What I SHOULDA said....  Racing heart beat when stressed but occasionally for no apparent reason at all, poor sleep, lack of appetite, feeling overwhelmed quickly and then not being able to do anything about it, not liking my life 8/10 days, hating my life 1/10 days, no hope on the horizon just have to fake it until something changes.  The kicker of what I should have said: I'm unhappy being a wife & mother & I've all but given up photography.  I have no passion or drive for anything anymore, it's all about survival now.

But here's this: I've contemplated what exactly I am not satisfied with in my life right now and I can't come up with anything!  I've even thought about what it would be like to not be married, have a career, have more kids or less kids or no kids.  Nothing sounds better than what I have now, only worse.  Yet that doesn't bring up feelings of satisfaction with my current situation.

I am stuck in a phase of life I don't want to be in!!  It was much easier being a baby maker, playing with little kids and enjoying setting up our first homes.  But now this "parent of a grade schooler" stage sucks!  The disciplining is way harder and less concrete (in my mind anyway) and relating becomes easier but harder at the same time.  I don't want to be away from my kids and leave them in the hands of God only knows who (thank goodness He does though!) and let them experience all the horrors that come with going to school!!  I don't want to let go, even though I know it's time...

Wife Mommy What?

I feel like my life is in the middle of being redefined.  Not a pleasant feeling.  I just had this feeling last winter when it was time to adjust my thinking about homeschooling, public schools and our family.  I defined myself as a homeschooling mom.  I seemed to fit into that model fairly well: slightly overprotective, creative, flexible yet structured.  But things needed to change and I made it through that transition.  But now what?

I don't know how to be a mom of school-age kids.  It's kind of daunting.  It's part of growing up, I keep telling myself and others, but I'm reluctant to face this one.  I don't know what this stage in motherhood is supposed to look like.  I assume there are many models for this one, just as there were for being a mother of a newborn.  The Crunchy Mom, The Creamy Mom, The Live By Instincts Mom, The Informed Mom, The Lean on My Friends Mom, The Lean on My Family Mom, The Right in the Middle Mom, The Mom in Sweats, The Mom in Heels, The Mom with Dried Spit Up on Her Shoulder.

So does this next phase look like this too?

And what about my waning interest in my business and very expensive hobby?  Is it a passion or a hobby that pays bills?  If it's a passion then I should find it, nurture it, dig it up & polish it.  If it's a hobby, then why bother?  If it's a passion I should start thinking about the next Wedding Expo season.  If not...  Then what?

Ahem....  Notice how many "shoulds" were up there?  Okay, only two.  But they are very heavy "shoulds" and are probably worth 5 each!

I need to (should) find myself again.  Myself the Human BEing.  Not a Human Doing. 

I once heard someone give a lecture about the general interest question "so what do you do?"  He said he answers it with "I like to ski, travel, time with my kids" full well knowing that the question is not literally about what one DOES with one's time.  The question really means "how do you earn a living?" but it forgets that an individual is much more faceted than the way they provide for their family.  We center so much time and energy on this, but it does not need to define who we are.  WHO am I?  Wife, mother, teacher (just a natural part of being a mother), photographer (on some level anyway), friend, sister..... And yet this doesn't seem to answer my own question of who am I?

Emotions vs. Sensations

I gotta say, being honest & trying to put words to how I feel is terribly hard sometimes.  Some things just defy adjectives!  For instance how do I feel this afternoon while sitting on the back porch watching the kids play in the pool & yard?  Heavy.  Almost in pain.  My to-do list is overwhelming and I can't work on it because I know if I leave the kids to themselves there will be yelling, crying and more stress.  I can prevent that by being physically present and intervening quickly before any yelling or crying starts. 

Then the kids are quite calm & sharing nicely so I walk inside.  What should I do first?  I can't actually pick anything.  Nothing seems doable.  Everything seems like a gigantic task that will never get done. 

So I make more lists to try and break it down. *And this is the point where the kids yelled for me and needed help.*  Packing list, To Do List, broken down packing list by event, category of items or person.  And still.....  I can't bring myself to DO it.  Any of it.

Why do I feel heavy?  Is that an emotion or a sensation of the body?  I FEEL like crying.  I want to curl up in a ball here on the couch and cry.  But again, if I start, will I be able to stop??  I AM hot.  It is a wonderfully hot day.  That is a sense not an emotion.  Other languages cover that so much better!  Je mi teplo!  Citim sa smutny!  I am warm.  I feel sad.  And it is impossible to say "I feel heavy".  Yet that is the word that comes to mind. 

And yet worship songs DO run through my head.  The words and scripture that are buried deep definitely still surface when I need them.  But the relief and hope is only temporary.  Lack of sleep or stress remove it so quickly and the heaviness returns.

How long have I been on this downward slope??  And how long have I been living at this stage, just a few feet from the bottom??

Sleep Issues - Again

Okay, so Unisom doesn't work on emotions, only on the body.  The body being driven by emotions can override the medication.  Another night of not much sleep. :(  But after taking Unisom at 12:30 (and still not falling asleep until after 2:30) I chose to NOT take Tylenol Sinus PM because I'm afraid I wouldn't wake up if/when I needed to. :(  I hate sleeping without David next to me!  And having Nina NOT kick me and gently stroke her hand across my hand (which scared me) would probably help...

Sleep = patience, kind of

What a night of restful sleep will do!  I took Unisom as I went to bed last night, did the usual routine and was out almost the whole night.  I woke once or twice to see who was kicking me (Nina) but quickly returned to sleep.  I can already see I'm  more patient this morning than yesterday.  Not enough, but more.  Another thing that is helping my outlook today is knowing that I have help coming.  My sitter will be here from 10-1 so I can get a haircut, buy a few groceries & hit the post office.  Yesterday was challenging from beginning to end.  I was too tired to be a stickler about rules & obedience, which of course backfires and makes everything worse.  I blew up at them at lunch time (low blood sugar and lack of sleep don't help the situation) and had to reap my own consequences.  There is so zero fresh food in the house so I HAVE to buy something but couldn't get out yesterday.  It was non-stop in a chill kind of way.  The kind of way that says "we aren't leaving the house, but we are quite busy."  So glad I get to do a few things BY MYSELF.  Just knowing that is making this morning go better.

Sleep Issues - Mine!

Ugh, I can't believe I didn't see this pattern, but I am not sleeping well!  I've been blaming it on the kids, on someone being sick, cold, or waking up with a nightmare.  But I'm actually waking up on my own and unable to go back to sleep.  Last night I went to bed at 10:30 pm, fell asleep a little after 11 pm doing my usual sleep routine.  But then I woke up at 1 am.  And couldn't go back to sleep.  Just laying there.  Heart running too fast, but no thoughts or worries going through my head.  I was physically comfortable but had to work very hard to slow down my breathing & heart.  I wonder if the extra Sudafed I took during the day was part of that.  But it was a little 4 hour dose and I took it at 4 pm.  I lay there awake (or sleeping only small bursts) until 3 am when I finally fell asleep again.  I tried to do my sleep routine at 2 and did fall asleep but not for long.  Sometime after 3 (that was the last time I checked the clock) I finally fell asleep and stayed asleep until 6:30 am.  Sheesh.  You'd think I had a newborn...

I wish...

I wish my public persona, the face I put on to make it through the day, could be real.  I wish I didn't have to work so hard to be "myself" with friends and then let down to be "myself" at home.  Because the "Nickie" that people know IS real, still vulnerable & honest.  But there's a dark place I don't let everyone see, a dark thing that surfaces when I'm alone.  I have to work so hard to keep it down, to keep it from overtaking my life.  Ugh. 

things I don't like

• I don't like taking the kids (mostly Will) anywhere new because I don't know how to prepare him or know what will bother him or how to help him or how he will react
• I don't like being with more than 1 person at a time
• I don't like hosting, it's a lot of pressure and dread!
• I don't like going to other people's houses
• I don't enjoy reading photography blogs because it just reminds me how inferior I am and how I will never get such good results
• I don't enjoy reading happy people's updates, they make me jealous and nauseous.  I'd love to sort my friends into optimist/pessimist groups so I could block all the optimists.
• I'd rather be around 1000 strangers than a group of 10 acquaintances
• Meetups with people I've never met (or know only online) give me the heebie jeebies
• I don't want to cook, but I'm giving it a 150% effort right now for the kids' health
• I don't want to do any creative post processing, I am completely lacking inspiration!
• I don't want to post process at all, I'd rather not even look at a shoot that just ended
• I don't want to call anyone to talk about how I feel; I can't stand complaining - even my own.
• I don't like "needing" a babysitter twice a week for my own mental health.  What kind of a mom am I if I can't even be here??
• I don't like keeping secrets, but I don't want people to know how I really feel
• I work out my frustration by doing the dishes.  I hate doing dishes.

I wonder how long I've felt like this.  There was a time I was not this down, not all the time.
I still have goals, but there is so much standing in the way right now...

• I want to network with other photographers, but I fear meeting new people and especially in large groups.
• I want to improve as a photographer, but right now there's such a strong sense of failure and insecurity.
• I want to take more workshops but feel trapped in time and opportunity
• I want to be certified and join other professional associations, but between time and anxiety...
• I want to be a good friend to my friends, to care about my husband better, to be more patient with my kids, to be THERE in the moment, for all of them.
• I want to exercise, to have the energy to get out AND exercise

Heavy

Okay, since apparently I need to be even more transparent and honest... here goes...

I feel HEAVY!!  My body, my gut, my heart feel so heavy right now.  I feel I never get to enjoy anything.  I'm dragging physically, as if I need a nap, or exercise, or something to perk me up.  But whatever it is, it won't work, it won't happen, so I'll put on my happy face & fake it for the next 8 hours.  And apparently I'm too good at faking it because people think that's really me. 
My eyes hurt.  I just want to cry so they will stop hurting.  But if I cry, what if I can't stop?  And then my face will be red & puffy & I'll have to redo my make up and if I start crying now...  I may not be able to stop.  It'll be like AJ's birthday all over again.  Where I cry all day off & on.  And can't snap out of it.  So it's better if I don't start.
My Strength is sufficient for you.  Yes, I lean on this quite frequently.  But that doesn't mean I need to give into this weakness.  HE will get me through the rest of the day.
What about tomorrow?  Ahhhh, don't worry about tomorrow, each day has enough trouble of it's own.  And that's the Bible, not a melancholy pessimist! Matt 6:34
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  Php 4:6
But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil on. 2 Thess 3:3
Casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you. 1Peter 5:7
And the heaviness lifts.  A little.  Enough to soldier on.

An Evaluation

I saw my counselor today.  We had a good 4 months this winter and she helped me break down some overwhelming problems into bite size chunks.  I thought I was doing great.  But I've noticed some things over the last little bit that were really bothering me. 

I went to complain that I'm frequently overwhelmed, frustrated in photography and business, nothing is working out, I'm not eating well, I haven't made the doctors appointments I should have, my trouble with babysitters, how I don't want to be around people even people that I know & love, anxiety over hosting family get togethers and how weird that is, and how I nearly missed my 3 year olds birthday dinner. I went in just wanting an ear and a shoulder to cry on. But I could have done that with any friend and my sweet husband. But I had this gut feeling that this was something bigger. Because I've already cried over all these things with and to my husband. My sister and parents have already heard some of these complaints. Why burden them again and again?

She thinks I need depression medication. 

I am one part relieved, one part overwhelmed and one part scared.

I am relieved because I really was thinking that something was wrong with me.  I haven't been myself and on my down & difficult days I wonder when, if ever, I will get to be me again.  When I scrapbook photos from last summer I feel very different from the person I'm looking at.  And my outward appearance hasn't changed.  It's nice that someone agrees that I'm not myself.  And that there's a solution.

I am overwhelmed because this might mean we need to change our health insurance.  A higher monthly premium, a lower deductible, better coverage.  I don't actually know that but I'm worried about it already.  Keeping health insurance affordable and practical to the family is a burden I worry about frequently.

I'm scared (and here's the part where I cry at the computer).  I'm afraid to tell my husband.  I don't want anyone else to know outside of him anyway, but....  Well...  I didn't believe in depression & medication anyway.  I assume that he doesn't either.  Maybe those are just my thoughts and feelings I'm putting on him.  But since we went through all the same training...  I've decided to just be honest.  But when, tonight?  Tomorrow?  Right before he leaves on a trip?  Or wait until August, when I see my doctor and they confirm and prescribe something?  Well.  I know I can't carry this information.  It's too heavy.  I need some support, help & encouragement. 

Time to Evaluate

It appears to be time for a change and that means time to reevaluate where I am and where I'm headed.

Change 1: two older kids are going to school.  N will be there in the mornings, 9-12 (I must be home at 12 every day to meet her at the bus stop).  W will be there all day, 9-3, and I am driving them both to school at 8:45 am and picking W up at 3 whatever pm.

Change 2: new schedule (see above).  No more trips during the week, no more cross state trips at all, no more mid-week trips to the Children's Museum, the Fair, IKEA or anything else.  I am now tied to the school's schedule.

Change 3: I am almost out of debt.  I will soon be able to pick my clients instead of begging them to pick me.  But because of #2, what time do I have???

What ARE my God-given dreams??  And what are my selfish goals?
How do I tell the difference?  What is next for me and my business/hobby?

I've nearly decided to take a year off.  No promoting, no free sessions, not taking ANY client unless I truly want to.  I'm going to spend the year on growth.  Personal growth and professional growth. 

To the latter, I feel inferior because I AM INFERIOR.  I cannot pull off the kind of consistency that I want.  Correct exposure, creative eye, attention to details.  I follow so many other photographers and it should not be pulling me down but pushing me forward.  I finally feel that I have reached that point.  The point of change.  We've all heard it, "you will only change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing." *author unknown  I am determined to grow more proficient at several things: consistent exposure, seeing the unexpected, sunflares, creative locations, taking only projects that mean something to me.

To the former, for some reason this last year has been frought with emotional upheaval & frustration.  The road I thought I was on has changed, which frustrates me, and the new road is full of unknowns.  Even turning 33 this year has brought on some physical and emotional changes.   Seven years of marriage.  Three kids.  Not breastfeeding or pregnant.  What does "non-hormonally surged" Nickie look like??  It's been rough.

I'm sure I will be returning to this page frequently.  It helped so much to re-read past trials and frustrations and how God worked through all those times.  Since I stopped blogging consistently (oh goodness, maybe 3 years now?) it is hard to remember much.  I miss those triggers and the opportunity to vent in a safe place. ;)