Shoulda Said....

Sheesh, so I finally have my doctor's appointment today.  I did the brave thing and told the nurse that I needed to talk about antidepressant or antianxiety meds...

What I DID say...  I've been seeing a counselor who suggested I talk to you about antidepressants.  Many things were still seemingly out of my control: anxiety over having people over, avoiding leaving the house, lack of energy, lack of motivation, cancelling plans with friends, short fuse with the kids, not sleeping well.

What I SHOULDA said....  Racing heart beat when stressed but occasionally for no apparent reason at all, poor sleep, lack of appetite, feeling overwhelmed quickly and then not being able to do anything about it, not liking my life 8/10 days, hating my life 1/10 days, no hope on the horizon just have to fake it until something changes.  The kicker of what I should have said: I'm unhappy being a wife & mother & I've all but given up photography.  I have no passion or drive for anything anymore, it's all about survival now.

But here's this: I've contemplated what exactly I am not satisfied with in my life right now and I can't come up with anything!  I've even thought about what it would be like to not be married, have a career, have more kids or less kids or no kids.  Nothing sounds better than what I have now, only worse.  Yet that doesn't bring up feelings of satisfaction with my current situation.

I am stuck in a phase of life I don't want to be in!!  It was much easier being a baby maker, playing with little kids and enjoying setting up our first homes.  But now this "parent of a grade schooler" stage sucks!  The disciplining is way harder and less concrete (in my mind anyway) and relating becomes easier but harder at the same time.  I don't want to be away from my kids and leave them in the hands of God only knows who (thank goodness He does though!) and let them experience all the horrors that come with going to school!!  I don't want to let go, even though I know it's time...

Wife Mommy What?

I feel like my life is in the middle of being redefined.  Not a pleasant feeling.  I just had this feeling last winter when it was time to adjust my thinking about homeschooling, public schools and our family.  I defined myself as a homeschooling mom.  I seemed to fit into that model fairly well: slightly overprotective, creative, flexible yet structured.  But things needed to change and I made it through that transition.  But now what?

I don't know how to be a mom of school-age kids.  It's kind of daunting.  It's part of growing up, I keep telling myself and others, but I'm reluctant to face this one.  I don't know what this stage in motherhood is supposed to look like.  I assume there are many models for this one, just as there were for being a mother of a newborn.  The Crunchy Mom, The Creamy Mom, The Live By Instincts Mom, The Informed Mom, The Lean on My Friends Mom, The Lean on My Family Mom, The Right in the Middle Mom, The Mom in Sweats, The Mom in Heels, The Mom with Dried Spit Up on Her Shoulder.

So does this next phase look like this too?

And what about my waning interest in my business and very expensive hobby?  Is it a passion or a hobby that pays bills?  If it's a passion then I should find it, nurture it, dig it up & polish it.  If it's a hobby, then why bother?  If it's a passion I should start thinking about the next Wedding Expo season.  If not...  Then what?

Ahem....  Notice how many "shoulds" were up there?  Okay, only two.  But they are very heavy "shoulds" and are probably worth 5 each!

I need to (should) find myself again.  Myself the Human BEing.  Not a Human Doing. 

I once heard someone give a lecture about the general interest question "so what do you do?"  He said he answers it with "I like to ski, travel, time with my kids" full well knowing that the question is not literally about what one DOES with one's time.  The question really means "how do you earn a living?" but it forgets that an individual is much more faceted than the way they provide for their family.  We center so much time and energy on this, but it does not need to define who we are.  WHO am I?  Wife, mother, teacher (just a natural part of being a mother), photographer (on some level anyway), friend, sister..... And yet this doesn't seem to answer my own question of who am I?

Emotions vs. Sensations

I gotta say, being honest & trying to put words to how I feel is terribly hard sometimes.  Some things just defy adjectives!  For instance how do I feel this afternoon while sitting on the back porch watching the kids play in the pool & yard?  Heavy.  Almost in pain.  My to-do list is overwhelming and I can't work on it because I know if I leave the kids to themselves there will be yelling, crying and more stress.  I can prevent that by being physically present and intervening quickly before any yelling or crying starts. 

Then the kids are quite calm & sharing nicely so I walk inside.  What should I do first?  I can't actually pick anything.  Nothing seems doable.  Everything seems like a gigantic task that will never get done. 

So I make more lists to try and break it down. *And this is the point where the kids yelled for me and needed help.*  Packing list, To Do List, broken down packing list by event, category of items or person.  And still.....  I can't bring myself to DO it.  Any of it.

Why do I feel heavy?  Is that an emotion or a sensation of the body?  I FEEL like crying.  I want to curl up in a ball here on the couch and cry.  But again, if I start, will I be able to stop??  I AM hot.  It is a wonderfully hot day.  That is a sense not an emotion.  Other languages cover that so much better!  Je mi teplo!  Citim sa smutny!  I am warm.  I feel sad.  And it is impossible to say "I feel heavy".  Yet that is the word that comes to mind. 

And yet worship songs DO run through my head.  The words and scripture that are buried deep definitely still surface when I need them.  But the relief and hope is only temporary.  Lack of sleep or stress remove it so quickly and the heaviness returns.

How long have I been on this downward slope??  And how long have I been living at this stage, just a few feet from the bottom??

Sleep Issues - Again

Okay, so Unisom doesn't work on emotions, only on the body.  The body being driven by emotions can override the medication.  Another night of not much sleep. :(  But after taking Unisom at 12:30 (and still not falling asleep until after 2:30) I chose to NOT take Tylenol Sinus PM because I'm afraid I wouldn't wake up if/when I needed to. :(  I hate sleeping without David next to me!  And having Nina NOT kick me and gently stroke her hand across my hand (which scared me) would probably help...

Sleep = patience, kind of

What a night of restful sleep will do!  I took Unisom as I went to bed last night, did the usual routine and was out almost the whole night.  I woke once or twice to see who was kicking me (Nina) but quickly returned to sleep.  I can already see I'm  more patient this morning than yesterday.  Not enough, but more.  Another thing that is helping my outlook today is knowing that I have help coming.  My sitter will be here from 10-1 so I can get a haircut, buy a few groceries & hit the post office.  Yesterday was challenging from beginning to end.  I was too tired to be a stickler about rules & obedience, which of course backfires and makes everything worse.  I blew up at them at lunch time (low blood sugar and lack of sleep don't help the situation) and had to reap my own consequences.  There is so zero fresh food in the house so I HAVE to buy something but couldn't get out yesterday.  It was non-stop in a chill kind of way.  The kind of way that says "we aren't leaving the house, but we are quite busy."  So glad I get to do a few things BY MYSELF.  Just knowing that is making this morning go better.

Sleep Issues - Mine!

Ugh, I can't believe I didn't see this pattern, but I am not sleeping well!  I've been blaming it on the kids, on someone being sick, cold, or waking up with a nightmare.  But I'm actually waking up on my own and unable to go back to sleep.  Last night I went to bed at 10:30 pm, fell asleep a little after 11 pm doing my usual sleep routine.  But then I woke up at 1 am.  And couldn't go back to sleep.  Just laying there.  Heart running too fast, but no thoughts or worries going through my head.  I was physically comfortable but had to work very hard to slow down my breathing & heart.  I wonder if the extra Sudafed I took during the day was part of that.  But it was a little 4 hour dose and I took it at 4 pm.  I lay there awake (or sleeping only small bursts) until 3 am when I finally fell asleep again.  I tried to do my sleep routine at 2 and did fall asleep but not for long.  Sometime after 3 (that was the last time I checked the clock) I finally fell asleep and stayed asleep until 6:30 am.  Sheesh.  You'd think I had a newborn...

I wish...

I wish my public persona, the face I put on to make it through the day, could be real.  I wish I didn't have to work so hard to be "myself" with friends and then let down to be "myself" at home.  Because the "Nickie" that people know IS real, still vulnerable & honest.  But there's a dark place I don't let everyone see, a dark thing that surfaces when I'm alone.  I have to work so hard to keep it down, to keep it from overtaking my life.  Ugh. 

things I don't like

• I don't like taking the kids (mostly Will) anywhere new because I don't know how to prepare him or know what will bother him or how to help him or how he will react
• I don't like being with more than 1 person at a time
• I don't like hosting, it's a lot of pressure and dread!
• I don't like going to other people's houses
• I don't enjoy reading photography blogs because it just reminds me how inferior I am and how I will never get such good results
• I don't enjoy reading happy people's updates, they make me jealous and nauseous.  I'd love to sort my friends into optimist/pessimist groups so I could block all the optimists.
• I'd rather be around 1000 strangers than a group of 10 acquaintances
• Meetups with people I've never met (or know only online) give me the heebie jeebies
• I don't want to cook, but I'm giving it a 150% effort right now for the kids' health
• I don't want to do any creative post processing, I am completely lacking inspiration!
• I don't want to post process at all, I'd rather not even look at a shoot that just ended
• I don't want to call anyone to talk about how I feel; I can't stand complaining - even my own.
• I don't like "needing" a babysitter twice a week for my own mental health.  What kind of a mom am I if I can't even be here??
• I don't like keeping secrets, but I don't want people to know how I really feel
• I work out my frustration by doing the dishes.  I hate doing dishes.

I wonder how long I've felt like this.  There was a time I was not this down, not all the time.
I still have goals, but there is so much standing in the way right now...

• I want to network with other photographers, but I fear meeting new people and especially in large groups.
• I want to improve as a photographer, but right now there's such a strong sense of failure and insecurity.
• I want to take more workshops but feel trapped in time and opportunity
• I want to be certified and join other professional associations, but between time and anxiety...
• I want to be a good friend to my friends, to care about my husband better, to be more patient with my kids, to be THERE in the moment, for all of them.
• I want to exercise, to have the energy to get out AND exercise

Heavy

Okay, since apparently I need to be even more transparent and honest... here goes...

I feel HEAVY!!  My body, my gut, my heart feel so heavy right now.  I feel I never get to enjoy anything.  I'm dragging physically, as if I need a nap, or exercise, or something to perk me up.  But whatever it is, it won't work, it won't happen, so I'll put on my happy face & fake it for the next 8 hours.  And apparently I'm too good at faking it because people think that's really me. 
My eyes hurt.  I just want to cry so they will stop hurting.  But if I cry, what if I can't stop?  And then my face will be red & puffy & I'll have to redo my make up and if I start crying now...  I may not be able to stop.  It'll be like AJ's birthday all over again.  Where I cry all day off & on.  And can't snap out of it.  So it's better if I don't start.
My Strength is sufficient for you.  Yes, I lean on this quite frequently.  But that doesn't mean I need to give into this weakness.  HE will get me through the rest of the day.
What about tomorrow?  Ahhhh, don't worry about tomorrow, each day has enough trouble of it's own.  And that's the Bible, not a melancholy pessimist! Matt 6:34
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  Php 4:6
But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil on. 2 Thess 3:3
Casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you. 1Peter 5:7
And the heaviness lifts.  A little.  Enough to soldier on.

An Evaluation

I saw my counselor today.  We had a good 4 months this winter and she helped me break down some overwhelming problems into bite size chunks.  I thought I was doing great.  But I've noticed some things over the last little bit that were really bothering me. 

I went to complain that I'm frequently overwhelmed, frustrated in photography and business, nothing is working out, I'm not eating well, I haven't made the doctors appointments I should have, my trouble with babysitters, how I don't want to be around people even people that I know & love, anxiety over hosting family get togethers and how weird that is, and how I nearly missed my 3 year olds birthday dinner. I went in just wanting an ear and a shoulder to cry on. But I could have done that with any friend and my sweet husband. But I had this gut feeling that this was something bigger. Because I've already cried over all these things with and to my husband. My sister and parents have already heard some of these complaints. Why burden them again and again?

She thinks I need depression medication. 

I am one part relieved, one part overwhelmed and one part scared.

I am relieved because I really was thinking that something was wrong with me.  I haven't been myself and on my down & difficult days I wonder when, if ever, I will get to be me again.  When I scrapbook photos from last summer I feel very different from the person I'm looking at.  And my outward appearance hasn't changed.  It's nice that someone agrees that I'm not myself.  And that there's a solution.

I am overwhelmed because this might mean we need to change our health insurance.  A higher monthly premium, a lower deductible, better coverage.  I don't actually know that but I'm worried about it already.  Keeping health insurance affordable and practical to the family is a burden I worry about frequently.

I'm scared (and here's the part where I cry at the computer).  I'm afraid to tell my husband.  I don't want anyone else to know outside of him anyway, but....  Well...  I didn't believe in depression & medication anyway.  I assume that he doesn't either.  Maybe those are just my thoughts and feelings I'm putting on him.  But since we went through all the same training...  I've decided to just be honest.  But when, tonight?  Tomorrow?  Right before he leaves on a trip?  Or wait until August, when I see my doctor and they confirm and prescribe something?  Well.  I know I can't carry this information.  It's too heavy.  I need some support, help & encouragement.