Sleep Issues - Mine!

Ugh, I can't believe I didn't see this pattern, but I am not sleeping well!  I've been blaming it on the kids, on someone being sick, cold, or waking up with a nightmare.  But I'm actually waking up on my own and unable to go back to sleep.  Last night I went to bed at 10:30 pm, fell asleep a little after 11 pm doing my usual sleep routine.  But then I woke up at 1 am.  And couldn't go back to sleep.  Just laying there.  Heart running too fast, but no thoughts or worries going through my head.  I was physically comfortable but had to work very hard to slow down my breathing & heart.  I wonder if the extra Sudafed I took during the day was part of that.  But it was a little 4 hour dose and I took it at 4 pm.  I lay there awake (or sleeping only small bursts) until 3 am when I finally fell asleep again.  I tried to do my sleep routine at 2 and did fall asleep but not for long.  Sometime after 3 (that was the last time I checked the clock) I finally fell asleep and stayed asleep until 6:30 am.  Sheesh.  You'd think I had a newborn...

I wish...

I wish my public persona, the face I put on to make it through the day, could be real.  I wish I didn't have to work so hard to be "myself" with friends and then let down to be "myself" at home.  Because the "Nickie" that people know IS real, still vulnerable & honest.  But there's a dark place I don't let everyone see, a dark thing that surfaces when I'm alone.  I have to work so hard to keep it down, to keep it from overtaking my life.  Ugh. 

things I don't like

• I don't like taking the kids (mostly Will) anywhere new because I don't know how to prepare him or know what will bother him or how to help him or how he will react
• I don't like being with more than 1 person at a time
• I don't like hosting, it's a lot of pressure and dread!
• I don't like going to other people's houses
• I don't enjoy reading photography blogs because it just reminds me how inferior I am and how I will never get such good results
• I don't enjoy reading happy people's updates, they make me jealous and nauseous.  I'd love to sort my friends into optimist/pessimist groups so I could block all the optimists.
• I'd rather be around 1000 strangers than a group of 10 acquaintances
• Meetups with people I've never met (or know only online) give me the heebie jeebies
• I don't want to cook, but I'm giving it a 150% effort right now for the kids' health
• I don't want to do any creative post processing, I am completely lacking inspiration!
• I don't want to post process at all, I'd rather not even look at a shoot that just ended
• I don't want to call anyone to talk about how I feel; I can't stand complaining - even my own.
• I don't like "needing" a babysitter twice a week for my own mental health.  What kind of a mom am I if I can't even be here??
• I don't like keeping secrets, but I don't want people to know how I really feel
• I work out my frustration by doing the dishes.  I hate doing dishes.

I wonder how long I've felt like this.  There was a time I was not this down, not all the time.
I still have goals, but there is so much standing in the way right now...

• I want to network with other photographers, but I fear meeting new people and especially in large groups.
• I want to improve as a photographer, but right now there's such a strong sense of failure and insecurity.
• I want to take more workshops but feel trapped in time and opportunity
• I want to be certified and join other professional associations, but between time and anxiety...
• I want to be a good friend to my friends, to care about my husband better, to be more patient with my kids, to be THERE in the moment, for all of them.
• I want to exercise, to have the energy to get out AND exercise

Heavy

Okay, since apparently I need to be even more transparent and honest... here goes...

I feel HEAVY!!  My body, my gut, my heart feel so heavy right now.  I feel I never get to enjoy anything.  I'm dragging physically, as if I need a nap, or exercise, or something to perk me up.  But whatever it is, it won't work, it won't happen, so I'll put on my happy face & fake it for the next 8 hours.  And apparently I'm too good at faking it because people think that's really me. 
My eyes hurt.  I just want to cry so they will stop hurting.  But if I cry, what if I can't stop?  And then my face will be red & puffy & I'll have to redo my make up and if I start crying now...  I may not be able to stop.  It'll be like AJ's birthday all over again.  Where I cry all day off & on.  And can't snap out of it.  So it's better if I don't start.
My Strength is sufficient for you.  Yes, I lean on this quite frequently.  But that doesn't mean I need to give into this weakness.  HE will get me through the rest of the day.
What about tomorrow?  Ahhhh, don't worry about tomorrow, each day has enough trouble of it's own.  And that's the Bible, not a melancholy pessimist! Matt 6:34
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  Php 4:6
But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil on. 2 Thess 3:3
Casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you. 1Peter 5:7
And the heaviness lifts.  A little.  Enough to soldier on.

An Evaluation

I saw my counselor today.  We had a good 4 months this winter and she helped me break down some overwhelming problems into bite size chunks.  I thought I was doing great.  But I've noticed some things over the last little bit that were really bothering me. 

I went to complain that I'm frequently overwhelmed, frustrated in photography and business, nothing is working out, I'm not eating well, I haven't made the doctors appointments I should have, my trouble with babysitters, how I don't want to be around people even people that I know & love, anxiety over hosting family get togethers and how weird that is, and how I nearly missed my 3 year olds birthday dinner. I went in just wanting an ear and a shoulder to cry on. But I could have done that with any friend and my sweet husband. But I had this gut feeling that this was something bigger. Because I've already cried over all these things with and to my husband. My sister and parents have already heard some of these complaints. Why burden them again and again?

She thinks I need depression medication. 

I am one part relieved, one part overwhelmed and one part scared.

I am relieved because I really was thinking that something was wrong with me.  I haven't been myself and on my down & difficult days I wonder when, if ever, I will get to be me again.  When I scrapbook photos from last summer I feel very different from the person I'm looking at.  And my outward appearance hasn't changed.  It's nice that someone agrees that I'm not myself.  And that there's a solution.

I am overwhelmed because this might mean we need to change our health insurance.  A higher monthly premium, a lower deductible, better coverage.  I don't actually know that but I'm worried about it already.  Keeping health insurance affordable and practical to the family is a burden I worry about frequently.

I'm scared (and here's the part where I cry at the computer).  I'm afraid to tell my husband.  I don't want anyone else to know outside of him anyway, but....  Well...  I didn't believe in depression & medication anyway.  I assume that he doesn't either.  Maybe those are just my thoughts and feelings I'm putting on him.  But since we went through all the same training...  I've decided to just be honest.  But when, tonight?  Tomorrow?  Right before he leaves on a trip?  Or wait until August, when I see my doctor and they confirm and prescribe something?  Well.  I know I can't carry this information.  It's too heavy.  I need some support, help & encouragement.