First day of school

Okay, let me try to sum up yesterday...


I park at the school (well, half a block from school) and walk in with Will & Nina; AJ was home with DH. Will was totally excited & got into his class just fine & left me with just a hug. Nina & I head off to her class b/c she had "orientation" at 10 and school started at 9:30. So we hang out there. Then her teacher talked for about 30 min while the kids colored (and Nina squirmed and complained of being hungry), then did a craft and the parents detailed who went home on the bus & who got picked up & picked snack days, yada yada yada...  We got home at 11:30
 
DH comes home from errands & AJ is already asleep - yay!  Nina & I just hang out & putter around the house, I really don't know what to do with myself.  I edit pictures for a while and resist the temptation to drive to school just to check on Will.  AJ wakes up at 3, just in time to get ready to go again.
 
They do a drop off/pick up line for cars.  So I'm "parked" about a block away in line, then when the kids come out & stand with the attendants/teachers, 4 cars drive up to the area, pick up their kid & then drive out of the loop.  We had to wait about 15 minutes in line.  I was so nervous Will would somehow end up on the bus!  I was glad David stayed home just in case.  I got Will at the school just fine & he wasn't ready to talk about his day.  He just said "some rough, some fun".  David got him to talk a little later.
 
About 15 min after we got home I got a call from the teacher.  She said overall his day went great!  He was polite, raised his hand, worked hard and it wasn't obvious that he wasn't from a traditional school environment.  We had prepared him well and he was getting it.  She was glad we had prepared her for what sensory things are hard for him.  When the class was getting loud & chaotic, he was getting agitated so she dimmed the lights and he calmed down.  He loved eating snack at his desk.  He had a hard time in PE because no one would pass him the ball and he had to be removed to talk with the school social worker.  He really connected with her (Miss S.) and felt safe with her.  He told us about that too.  He calmed down & returned to class just fine.  Miss M. (Will's teacher) hadn't had a chance to tell the PE teacher about Will's needs & talents so she thinks that will help.
 
Will did fine at lunch & recess!  He came home very tired & irritable though.  He was determined to ride the bus & tried to run off.  Both the teacher & social worker are ready to help us in any way we need, right now he just needs to accept that he is not riding the bus!!  Miss S. had also called us earlier (made my heart skip!) just to introduce herself and let us know she was available. 
 
So everyone is ready & willing to do anything that will help him succeed and make this work for us. 
 
I was emotionally exhausted by 5 pm!  I had not cried all day and just before dinner I just needed to let it out...  It's so hard to let him go, to let him go through experiences that may be painful but are so necessary to his growth. 

Day 27

UGH! 
I am NOT a happy camper today. 
Will is pretty anxious to start school & doesn't really know what to do with himself.  This leads to way more stunts & physical acts and then he gets hurt just a little and he acts like he cut off a finger.  Seriously.  He is wayyy over acting.
Nina is probably nervous/excited about starting school as well.  She's been extra clingy & in need of attention.
AJ is being really whiny.

So many of the actual behavior we have curbed this last month.  And during and after vacation last week we've had a nice lot of family time.  Mom & Dad pointed out that maybe the underlying cause is their nervousness & excitement.  It could be.  And that would be a very hard feeling for them to describe.  So I'm trying to meet Will's need for more attention and having a very hard time at it.

Had two episodes of heart palpitation today.  I haven't had any since Disneyland (I thought I wouldn't be able to get AJ off the Dumbo ride) and haven't had any the rest of August.  This morning I was irritated with Nina and vrrrrooooommmm, there goes my heart like it's a freaking Formula 1 race.  Then at Costco I was loading the stuff into the van and it was so heavy, the kids were hungry, AJ needed a diaper (which I had to get out of the box) and I was worn out and just wanted to go home.  Out of nowhere, the pulse is racing, I can feel it in my neck, I get a little light headed & have to stop.  Stupid.  Stupid. Stupid.

The way I feel today:
restless
down
discouraged
stressed
unsure
tired
frustrated

I've yelled & threatened with the kids a little today.  Even when I was clear & concise my voice was not always under control.  I was angry many times already.  It doesn't help that there were MANY curve balls thrown to me at Costco!!  They didn't have regular Ziplock gallon size bags, only freezer style.  The diapers weren't in the right place.  I couldn't decide string cheese or American, even though I know we need American.  Then at the deli I didn't have enough cash to buy myself what I wanted and I needed to have a hot dog to make it all work.  They didn't have Sprite in the fountain, only lemonade or Mountain Dew - so the kids were disappointed.  It was so crowded.  It was so very crowded.  I didn't buy myself a drink at all because it was hard enough to take care of the kids' needs.  I opted to have them eat in the car rather than find a place to sit.  Almost forgot to get gas.  Even though I missed most of Meridian traffic it was shocking how many people are driving around at 1 pm today. 

Ugh...  That's all.  I'm tired & I want to be alone but now alone time is over!!

depression, anxiety and me

I think someday in the future I will write about how these things affected me as an artist.  I have read lots about post partum depression and mothers with depression but I couldn't find anything about photographers with depression or anxiety.  Everything I found pointed towards photographers during the Great Depression or photos titled with Anxiety or Depression.  I'm not ready for that to be public knowledge, but someday it will be.  For now just these things:  I was completely sapped of motivation.  Dry on creativity.  The constant feelings of inferiority weighed on me like 50 pound bags of sand.  The insane butterflies in my stomach before and during client meetings.  The hives the night before the wedding expo.  Insomnia frequently.  Ugh....

Recap of Week 2-3

We went on vacation to California & stayed with friends for the entire week.  A few days before we left I began to not sleep very well - needing to take Tylenol PM about 10 pm most nights.  When we got there it was much worse.  I was waking up at 1 and staying awake for a long time.  One night I slept 11-1 am and 4-6 am.  I couldn't get comfortable but even if I could I was unable to sleep.  The Tylenol PM wasn't helping.  I took it at bedtime - roughly 10:30 pm and still woke up at 2 am.  So another night I took it at 2 am when I woke up, but still found it hard to truly sleep.  My breathing was fast - too fast for sleep - and I couldn't talk myself into breathing slower.

I called my doctor's office on Wednesday, Thursday & Friday - no response. 
On Wednesday I took my pill at lunch instead of breakfast.  Thursday I took it at dinner.  Friday I took it at 8 pm.  Saturday I took it at bedtime.  Thursday I woke up at 2 am but was able to get back to sleep.  Friday I woke briefly at 5 am.  Saturday I slept through the night, or until AJ got up which was at 5:30 am Sunday morning!

I don't really like this switch to taking it at night.  Yes, I enjoy sleeping.  But now I have just average energy.  I really really liked having lots of energy late in the day when everyone else was lagging.  Now I wake up with average energy and make it through the day like that.  Not awesome.  Not what it used to be.  But it's okay and it's still better than I was without it.

Day 12 - I smell garlic

I think I smell garlic all the time.  Partly because I was having an issue with the package of frozne raspberries from the store.  Every time I touched that package my hands came away smelling like garlic.  But that one is gone & I have a new one now.  It also does the same thing.  Then I received 40+ cloves of raw, peeled garlic from my mom.  Yum!  Then the whole kitchen smelled like garlic.  Today was the beginning of the Pierce County Fair, which is just a mile from my house.  Naturally I can smell the fair food and guess what....  I can smell garlic. 

Anyway, I'm discovering that even though I now have a decent amount of consistent energy (not powered by coffee), I still have ups & downs.  I still have moods to work through, I still can get into my own little (very shallow) rut if I let myself.  This isn't a magic drug.  It felt like it, but it isn't.  I feel so normal I have already forgotten to take it twice - luckily I discovered it about halfway through the day. 

No sleep issues!  I can fall asleep at a normal time and without help.  I am waking up fine and in a very normal, slightly sleepy state. 

My appetite is fine!  I no longer have that stressed-out-slightly-upset stomach all the time. 

I am no longer beating myself over the head with how awful things are and how much I hate my life or this stage of life.  Speaking of which - this is just part of growing up!  Get over it!

I have come to terms with the inner creative frustration - it will always be there.  I will always have something inside me waiting for the right time to come out and be expressed.  It's not a bad thing.  It's a good thing!